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More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History

  

Category:  The Lighter Side/ Humor

Via:  kavika  •  8 years ago  •  45 comments

More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History

HEMPSTEAD, NY ( The Borowitz Report )—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.

With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.

Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.

“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”

Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”

According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.

Link.....

HEMPSTEAD, NY ( The Borowitz Report )—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.

With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.

Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.

“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”

Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”

According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.

Link....More Americans Expected to Self-Medicate Than for Any Other Debate in History


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Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika     8 years ago

''According to official estimates, by 9 P.M. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.''

Well the Canadians know how to drive in the snow...Hopefully it will help.

 
 
 
Enoch
Masters Quiet
link   Enoch  replied to  Kavika   8 years ago

Dear Friend Kavika: Tee many Martoonies.

E.

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton  replied to  Enoch   8 years ago

Enoch,

Me see many Martoonies.

:~)

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  Kavika   8 years ago

The article isn't double printed, your seeing double already, niijii.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

Over/ under on the appearance of the first Trump lie   ---    the 33 second mark. 

 

 

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

LOL, no doubt.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  Kavika   8 years ago
(deleted)
 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  Kavika   8 years ago

18 seconds in and the first Trump lie....Ford is leaving the U.S.

 
 
 
Krishna
Professor Expert
link   Krishna  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

9:03 PM ...it has begun.

(Introduction by Lester Holt now)

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

Newt Gingrich just tweeted that he thinks Trump will be "adequately competent" .

 

That's funny. 

 
 
 
Tex Stankley
Freshman Silent
link   Tex Stankley    8 years ago

I think this may be true.  I know I'm working on it.  My Mama used to tell us to "gird our loins", whatever the hell that means, when we were to embark upon an odious task.  

I'm just working on an artificial loin girding to be able to watch this thing.   It may be the funniest most tragic thing any of us have seen.   It's probably just going to be excruciating. 

I found a tutorial for the girding of loins.  Shyte.  I been doing it all wrong.   I'm just gonna stick with the emotional morphine.

 

256

256

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  Tex Stankley   8 years ago

LOL

 
 
 
Petey Coober
Freshman Silent
link   Petey Coober    8 years ago

Bad news for Hillary :


DEBATE RULES: NO COUGHING BREAKS

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  Petey Coober   8 years ago

There is also a rule that Trumb can't wave his little hands around.

 
 
 
Petey Coober
Freshman Silent
link   Petey Coober  replied to  Kavika   8 years ago

Not really . But here is another actual rule : Hillary gets a footstool and a much shorter podium so she is not dwarfed next to Trump ...

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

Trump appears to be gasping for breath. 

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Participates
link   pat wilson  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

He's got dry mouth too-sign of anxiety.

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton    8 years ago

Doin' my part...Bells Two Hearted Ale and some nice Portland skunk.

 
 
 
Tex Stankley
Freshman Silent
link   Tex Stankley  replied to  Larry Hampton   8 years ago

Good job!

I am a big fan of Portland Piffle.  

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton  replied to  Tex Stankley   8 years ago

Oh yeah, tits-up on that!

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
link   Mark in Wyoming     8 years ago

I'm playing the reverse drinking game , only drink when they tell the truth , still have yet to have a drink.

 

 
 
 
Tex Stankley
Freshman Silent
link   Tex Stankley  replied to  Mark in Wyoming   8 years ago

Sadly, you might be stone cold sober by the end of this. 

There are a buncha fact checker sites and they are already running up the score.  Thus far, Trump is winning on the Lie O Meter.  

This might be more fun than depressing.  Naw.  

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika   replied to  Mark in Wyoming   8 years ago

Reverse drinking game...Ooppps

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

Trump keeps making faces. He must have forgot he is on split screen. 

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton    8 years ago

Clinton...

",,,the bigger issues are, what are his conflicts of interests?"

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
link   Hal A. Lujah    8 years ago

Trump:  "paying no taxes makes me smart."

Take that America.

 
 
 
Mark in Wyoming
Professor Silent
link   Mark in Wyoming     8 years ago

turned into a sniping act ( as I thought it would) , time to turn it off  I guess unless I want to laugh at both sides potshots. worst debate I ever witnessed. A pox on both their houses.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

Hillary Clinton looks a lot healthier than Trump does tonight.

 

All that sniffing and gasping for air through his nose is annoying and probably a symptom of an underlying illness. 

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

noticed that too,,,like he's having a hard time catching his breath. perhaps all those weird faces he has made over the last eighteen months are a sign of a deeper physical/psychological problem than earlier recognized. I see a new article on the front page coming on...

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

If you're grading on water consumption, is currently in the lead

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
link   Hal A. Lujah  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

It's ok - he's got a gilded diaper on.

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell  replied to  Hal A. Lujah   8 years ago

 

 

More water for DT. 

 

He's nervous. 

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

This is going very well for Hillary Clinton I think. 

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
link   Hal A. Lujah    8 years ago

Trump just lost the fat vote.

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton  replied to  Hal A. Lujah   8 years ago

This is interesting. He's nailing her like a junior high bully,  verbosely appealing to simpler intellectual formulas with grandiose ideological exclamations, Clinton is coming across as a school marm with knowledge, and occasionally nailing him back with facts in an emotionally appealing manner. This is tight,,,though Clinton obviously knows more.

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
link   Hal A. Lujah  replied to  Larry Hampton   8 years ago

She is coherent, he is anything but.  He's rambling, she is focused.  

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell  replied to  Larry Hampton   8 years ago

If someone had never seen either of these two people before tonight, I think the vast majority of people would say that Clinton won easily on demeanor and appearing "presidential". 

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

She also won on appearing more healthy. 

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
link   Hal A. Lujah  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

Trump just got NAILED on stamina.

 
 
 
Larry Hampton
Professor Participates
link   Larry Hampton    8 years ago

Clinton finished strong, and won this debate.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
link   seeder  Kavika     8 years ago

The longer the debate went on, the more Clinton got under his skin. He really went into the weeds and lookend like a fool on the birther question.

Even after the debate when reporters were asking him about the birther question he bumbled and fumbled.

With the continued sniffing and intake of water, I was ready to call 911 for him.

 

 
 
 
Hal A. Lujah
Professor Guide
link   Hal A. Lujah    8 years ago

Did you catch the dog whistle moment, where Trump strenuously clarified that he was sued for discrimination but "legally did not admit guilt"?  That should be of some comfort to those racist shitbags supporting him.

 
 
 
Petey Coober
Freshman Silent
link   Petey Coober  replied to  Hal A. Lujah   8 years ago

Wow . So you were impressed with a question that went back to the mid 70s from the POV of today's politically correct BS . I'm sure you were a saint back then too ... NOT !

 
 
 
JohnRussell
Professor Principal
link   JohnRussell    8 years ago

So you were impressed with a question that went back to the mid 70s from the POV of today's politically correct BS .

Ridiculous comment Petey. It was a legal issue even back in 1973.

 
 
 
Petey Coober
Freshman Silent
link   Petey Coober  replied to  JohnRussell   8 years ago

Pot smoking was also a legal issue back then . What happened with that ... It became a way to put many blacks in jail .

 
 

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