DRINK BEFORE YOU VOTE, NOT AFTER!
The Center for Disease (CDC) is warning folks to: " Cleanse our Body Politics "! They add it is imperative that all Americans, not, just the smart ones, start each day with your "Morning Trump."
Getting that poison out of one system is essential to a happy, healthy life. "Don't Forget to Wipe Your Pence. That thing is more toxic than your Trump", they sweetly add.
Have you had your "Morning Trump Dump"?
Here, at Eat The Press - Do Not Read , we believe that the best defense is a radical, near insane- offense.
Therefore, Brothers & Sistas of the Corn Hole Degeneration:
"When They Go Low" - We Whack Them In The Head With A Barbwired Wrapped Baseball Bat, emblazoned with the image of " The Jesus," burned into its base to serve as the official, secret symbol of the DEEP STATE."
Which, all of you know, we are in, up to our "ass balls." So, be careful, we are watching you at all times.
We have recently acquired a new political pundit. Unfortunately, our last one was shot by Putin's agents working out of the Whitehouse.
We would like to welcome "Sloppy Steve," a former insider who was "Top Adviser" to President Dump until our POS, Fake Prez got jealous that Steve was getting all of the credit for Trump's Deportables Program.
Destitute, little, fat, "Sloppy Steve," now, reduced to living in the basement of the Washington Monument, subsisting on sucking wine droplets from Thunderbird bottle he finds scattered about the park.
Not to be undeterred, Steve has unleashed a barrage of sensible advise to "waffling voters," that we feel compelled to share with our readers, whether they want to read it, or not.
He recommends, that if the "Dumb," the really dumb, expect to remain in power and turn the federal, socialist, government upside down, "shake it up, turn it around," as they do with their garbage cans when their local football team wins a game!
Then, and, only, then, can they expect to win "The Greatest Political Football Game In 'Merica"! By following my plan ("Sloppy Steve's" Plan) and, my plan ONLY, we can turn the nation's Garbage Cans UpSide Down!
Follow these well thought out Strategies of Total Destruction and Win!
1. "Drink Before You Vote - Not After"! (The drive home is always disappointing.)
2. "We don't need any damn government! Trump can do it all, you all!" (He knows more than the Generals, his advisors, even God).
3. "Guv'mint regulations are for "Sissies"!
4. "Where there's FIRE - there is always is always a Demon-crate to blame. So start the flame, Bubba!"
5. "The best way to stop shootings in schools is to arm everyone: Teachers, Janitors, Aides, Principals, and Kids, K- 9 grade with high-powered, automatic weapons, bullet vests, and grenades.
"After the 9th grade, students are getting "horny", angry and bitter and may turn their weapons on the teachers", which is not all that bad, if they refuse to bring prayers back into the classroom."
6. "Russia is our FRIEND! Vodka is, too."
7. "Our former friends, allies, and, the Communists controlled American Intel Agencies are our enemies."
8. "There is no need for citizens to waste good urine time voting if they are not Voting for Donald J. Dump Trump!"
Evangelical, Born Upside-Down and Backwards
9. 'Merica should bomb their enemies of the first teach month to let them know who is "boss!" (It's in the Bible, somewhere).
10. "Fox TV Network News is THE NEWS, THE ONLY NEWS, SO, HELP ME, GOD ! Everything else is FAKE NEWS, sissy news! "
As always, we, here, at Eat The Press - Do Not Wipe Your Bun With It, generously grant our readers the right to "sprinkle our wisdom" wherever the God of the Confederacy directs you to do so.
Even if, in those time of deep personal need, it requires one to stoop to the level of posting it on the Walls of Stalls in Men's Rooms. Do it throughout 'Merica! Start the Revolution in Sh*t Holes are over 'Merica. Make America Read, Again!
As most of you are aware, our "less than prestigious publication" is located right " chere" in lovely, but, nearly all torn down, downtown Mildew, Ohio, "where there are NO JOBS - NOT EVEN BLOW JOBS."
Send "cash" along with your posts, or, STFU!
We must convert 'Merica to total STUPIDITY, and we can only do that with large donations from Idiots like you!
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I just love reading your divine Morning Inspirations. They stimulate me to commit "Crimes Against Humanity". Is that wrong?
I have no cash. Does that mean I have to STFU?
Of course not, Trout Giggles:
It means that you need to get up off your Lazy, Left-Leaning Ass and get out there in the world of corporate profits by any means and get a good paying job that doesn't exist that you might support your "Favorite Unemployed Philosopher Dad-Adviser-Life Coach who needs a heart transplant, and/or a new Mercedes Benz!
How about if I just buy a Mega Millions ticket and take my chances?
That would buy a lot of professional assassins
Mutant Ninja Nutria Assassins?
Not at all farfetched. I have ninja squirrels and I have a stern message for them:
To My Plant Loving Squirrel: NEVER, EVER THREATEN MY PATIO YAM PLANT AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF FEW THROUGHOUT SQUIRREL HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A FAMILY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED DEEDS OF EATING THE FRESH SHOOTS OF MY PLANT. BE CAUTIOUS !
That's telling them!
More "Deep State" talking in emoji's, again?
A well armed squirrel keep it's nuts and yams.
Now, that is good advice, especially for pre-schoolers. We should start teaching kids at the earliest age how to properly handle lethal weapons as a preventive measure.
I AGREE !
The Chicken DIDN'T cross the road just to get to the other side. That's just a fallacy.
It is more than a "fallacy". It is a FAKE NEWS!
Unless the Chicken Stops, and moves not one more inch the rest of their life span.
Weird, how "the story" can be manipulated to "Fit" something huh.
We cannot always understand the mind of the Almighty, nor, of the chicken. But, one must try, or, die!
I'll stick to just tryin'. Not much worth dyin' about these days.
Your country, in the past, was considered Worth dying for by those that died, but, I agree with your point of view.
We are in a CYBER WAR with Russia. Russia has interfered with the election in Britains, Italy, Germany, and France to name a few.
For as long as I remember the gop has vainly accused the Dems of being in cahoots with the Russian...
The irony of Putin's Troll Army putting Trump in the presidency is such sweet irony it makes teeth hurt.
JPP@4.1.6, in the Deep State's Super Intel Division:
It is as my mother used to say before we buried her alive at 105, "that's the Kettle calling the Iron Skillet black", which I never understood until this moment. Thank you!
We NEVER have been ?
Old News !
No we had a Russian Erection, not an American Election!
It Is ME @4.1.9.
"Old News" - We Are At War With Russia!
"New News" - We are losing that War because of our Commander-In-Cheetos being in league with Putin for profit.
The reason, Texas, if when a GREAT INJUSTICE is inflicted on one by a FOREIGN POWER, particularly RUSSIA it does not sit well with REAL AMERICAN PATRIOTS.
I suppose those phony, Confederate Flag waving, semi-literate, FAKE PATRIOTS are not upset about a foreign government interfering with our 2016 election.
After all, they were traitors, too, when they succeded from the United States and illegally formed their own criminal enterprise promoting SLAVERY!
THE GREATEST THREAT TO OUR NATION AND OUR PLANET IS DONALD tRUMP AND THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION
People are entitled to their opinion, not to their FACTS. Holocaust deniers are, also, popular in the South!
South Iran ?
"It is me:
I just got "TICKET NUMBER 1".
I thought I had won something. Apparently, it was for posting something that the administrator, or, "the Jesus" felt was not on "topic".
Therefore, "IT IS ME", further post about CHICKENS, or other farm animals may be deemed as "OFF-OFF SUBJECT". This is a warning!
PS: I did not see the "cash" with your post? Did it fall out somewhere along the Inter-Net line?
aahh heck....I've got 2 of those.
I'd call it a "Badge".
I AM NOT CERTAIN I UNDERSTAND THE INFRACTION, but, it seems quite serious if one is pulled over and issued a formal ticket for "an off-topic comment"!
It can be for a simple word that is considered "Sweepingly Generalizing". That's one of my tickets anyway.
I write, in case, it is not obvious, political satire. There are no off-topic moments, no sweeping-generalization, how do I get exempted from the Kids Room?
Hello Eat', your satire sometimes leaves an indentation, because you do have a formidable 'bite' when you use it. You could be our resident 'rattlesnake.' Anyway, . . . to your below right, there is a red flag with a circle around it. If you click on it once - no foul, you will see a 'crowd' of potential offenses which you or others could choose from for any one comment. "Off topic (author use only)" is rather unique - it is for an article writer-owner's sole use. So, . . . an author had to 'spike' you some-wheres.
It can be a "jarring" experience! Moreover, I appreciate your analogy to being "pulled over." Very correct! "I am sorry you got "pulled over, today." (Smile.)
You Don't !
I believe that somewhere in the murky world there is a place for me. Oh, where, oh, might that be, Dorothy?
If I wag my tail like a dog will I get a letter, or, another ticket for being off "subject"?
What? Are we in grade school?
We are all entitled to our own OPINION, not our own FACTS!
Because one believes something, does not make it TRUE!