Thanksgiving traditions and rituals explained for non-Americans


Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  2 weeks ago  •  5 comments

By:   Alexandra Petri - WaPo

Thanksgiving traditions and rituals explained for non-Americans

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T

This year a British friend is joining us for Thanksgiving, and he inquired whether there were any traditions he ought to know about. At first, I thought, “This will be a great opportunity to lie to a British person!” but then when I started trying to come up with fake traditions, I realized it would be much more alarming just to describe the actual ones. Consider:

Each Thanksgiving we celebrate the birth, death and marination of the turkey. It has a wattle, a snood and caruncles, all of which are different parts of the head; it is a failed peacock in the back and an old woman’s thin, wrinkled arm in the front. This bird was in the bathtub too long, and something awful happened. The adult turkey seems to be flightless, but I would not put anything past it or turn my back on it, even for a second. It would have been our national bird, but it is too cursed, and now we all have to do our part annually by stuffing it with bread and eating it.

There are exceptions: Our president each year pardons two dangerous turkey criminals, who are given   innocuous names   such as Peanut Butter and Drummy so Americans will be lulled into thinking this is a wholesome gesture rather than a terrifying concession to birds who respect neither law nor God.

We celebrate Thanksgiving at this time because it is when Abraham Lincoln told us to. His original Thanksgiving proclamation does not mention the people called the Pilgrims, but that is just too bad, because you are going to hear a lot about them. The Pilgrims were a group of people who left England and moved to Holland because they were too weird about religion — then left and came here because they thought it would be better to get on a sailing vessel and possibly die than to risk becoming Dutch.

They survived the winter, and the Wampanoag people formed an alliance with them, in return for which (in what would be neither the first nor the last of a long tradition) the Pilgrims gave the Wampanoag diseases and tried to rob them of their freedom and traditions.

The Pilgrims did not eat turkey at the feast that inspired this occasion. But a great American tradition is the telling of inaccurate stories, so you are going to. Maybe your turkey will even be wearing a hat, to imply that he would have been a religious separatist had he lived.

On Thanksgiving morning, arrive early. It is customary to gather around the television because someone has made all of pop culture into balloons, and they must parade around New York City and be marveled at, or they will become upset and   ravage the land . Once the parade is over, you can watch some dogs being judged and found wanting. Then there is football, a sport that consists of whistleblowing periodically interrupted by concussions. One thing that is good to say when watching football is, “They’ll need more than that for a first down,” which works about a third of the time.

By this point, you may be drinking heavily, which will have the advantage of making you feel like everything you are saying is much more interesting than it in fact is. You will also get to experience the “(Taylor’s Version)” of many stories, in which events that transpired many years ago are retold at what feels like four times the length.

The turkey, whenever it arrives, will be escorted by an array of traditional sides, including the aforementioned punitive stuffing, a potato that is on its way to becoming a liquid and something orange made with gourds. These are all better than I am making them sound.

While you indulge in these foods, you will be given the opportunity to say what you are grateful for. Do not make eye contact with the turkey when you do so, and be sure to eat him quickly. If he is not fully dispatched, you will be eating his leftovers for days. One element of the bird is a wishbone; if you have completed the ritual correctly, you are allowed to use this bone to be granted a single wish. Be sure to choose wisely, or you will have to do the ritual all over again next year.


jrDiscussion - desc
Sophomore Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    2 weeks ago

Unbeknown to most americans, turkeys have been reading Damon Knight.

Professor Principal
2  Kavika     2 weeks ago


Sophomore Participates
3  shona1    2 weeks ago

Morning..well happy Thanksgiving to you mob across the Pacific..

Hope you have a good time and enjoy the day...

At times we think you mob are a bit weird and "only in America" but it all helps to make the world go round...and we are all along for the ride..

From the Land Down Under..🇦🇺🇺🇲🐨🎊🎉

Split Personality
PhD Principal
4  Split Personality    2 weeks ago


Buzz of the Orient
Professor Principal
5  Buzz of the Orient    one week ago

As one of the non-Americans that this article is aimed at I have this to say.

The stuffing is the best part of the Thanksgiving meal.  I could eat it every day and not get tired of it.

Both three and four years ago I went to a big Thanksgiving banquet for expats at one of the top-rated hotels in Chongqing, but last year and now it has been cancelled and I have not been able to enjoy the roast turkey and other traditional delicious items - and I miss it. 

More than half a century ago, on the way to Cape Cod, we stopped to view Plymouth Rock.  Had I known as much about how the Europeans had devastated the natives as I do now I would have spit on it. 

I am, however, a NORTH American and proud to be a Canadian, no matter which party governs and whom the Prime Minister is, which does set me apart from Americans, who, depending on which party is governing and who is POTUS, either venerate or disrespect their flag and anthem (which IMO are symbols of their nation, not the temporary administration of it) - such inconsistency.  Maybe that's why I'm starting to read opinions that America is declining. 


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