Following Speaker victory, Kevin McCarthy confident it will be “smooth sailing from here”

  

Category:  Satire

Via:  hallux  •  3 weeks ago  •  44 comments

By:   CHRIS CANNON - The Beaverton

Following Speaker victory, Kevin McCarthy confident it will be “smooth sailing from here”

S E E D E D   C O N T E N T



WASHINGTON D.C. – With   Kevin McCarthy   emerging victorious late Friday night in his bid to become the House   Speaker   with a resounding 49.7 percent of the vote, he now carries a clear mandate from a united coalition that is definitely not going to fall apart in the first week of his tenure.

After Friday’s post-midnight 15th vote – known as the “quinceanera round” – McCarthy finally broke the stalemate with his Republican detractors, scoring a vote tally of 216 for Kevin McCarthy, 212 for Democrat Hakeem Jeffries, and 6 for “Suckmydick Kevin”. The savvy new Speaker was able to overcome opposition by offering concessions to his holdouts, including allowing Laura Boebert to investigate Starbucks for Christmas war crimes, and giving in to Matt Gaetz’ demand for an annual “bring your granddaughter to work” day.

“I’m just glad the hard part’s completely over,” a winded McCarthy told reporters after doing the 50 sit-ups that Arizona representative Andy Biggs demanded before giving McCarthy his vote.

“Now we can proceed with what I’m sure will be one of the most harmonious and productive legislative sessions in history, and certainly not a free-for-all anarchic hellscape of performative demagoguery and backstabbing that will make the assassination of Julius Caesar look like a Mediterranean spa day.”

With the voting over and McCarthy firmly in charge, the House will begin their new session with a formal change of their leader’s title to “Squeaker of the House” – a request granted to Virginia Representative Bob Good to secure his tenuous vote. McCarthy’s next task will be committee assignments, which he will begin as soon as his coalition agrees which existing committees should continue, which new committees should be formed, and how to use the word “committee” in a way that doesn’t cancel white men.

From there McCarthy will choose the new GOP leadership from a roster teeming with talented and respected professionals — some who have called for Democratic House members to be executed, others who accused their Muslim colleagues of being suicide bombers, and one who fabricated his entire resume and flashed a white power sign while he was casting his vote for the Speaker.

“Piece of cake,” crowed McCarthy in an actual crow voice, which he is now required to speak in when he is not physically in the House chamber but still on Capitol grounds.

At press time McCarthy is reportedly enjoying the “relaxation phase” of his speakership, before drafting paperwork for 15 consecutive Congressional Hearings regarding the nudes on Hunter Biden’s laptop.


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Hallux
Junior Principal
1  seeder  Hallux    3 weeks ago

Qué será, será Kevin, you planted and watered it but as with the proverbial chicken farmer too close together and too deep.

 
 
 
Ozzwald
Professor Quiet
1.1  Ozzwald  replied to  Hallux @1    3 weeks ago

Qué será, será Kevin, you planted and watered it but as with the proverbial chicken farmer too close together and too deep.

He made a deal with the devil, otherwise known as the Freedom Caucus, or as we all know them, the super duper wack a doodle caucus, and he thinks they are going to allow him to do his job? 

jrSmiley_10_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
1.1.1  devangelical  replied to  Ozzwald @1.1    3 weeks ago

the insurrectionist caucus' first motion to vacate the chair will happen before the end of the month...

 
 
 
Ozzwald
Professor Quiet
1.1.2  Ozzwald  replied to  devangelical @1.1.1    3 weeks ago

the insurrectionist caucus' first motion to vacate the chair will happen before the end of the month...

You really think they'll wait that long?  Boebert, herself, is so excited to make that motion, she has to wear Depends.

 
 
 
Just Jim NC TttH
Professor Principal
1.1.3  Just Jim NC TttH  replied to  Ozzwald @1.1.2    3 weeks ago

Not according to her. She seems pretty happy................

Lauren Boebert Praises 'Most Productive Week' After Speaker Chaos

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
1.1.4  Tessylo  replied to  Ozzwald @1.1    3 weeks ago

I wonder what the going price is on the soul of a gqp member

 
 
 
Hallux
Junior Principal
1.1.5  seeder  Hallux  replied to  Just Jim NC TttH @1.1.3    3 weeks ago

Ms. Boebert lives in Flatland and her 'productivity' may fall to duct taping the latest quacker whose motto appears to be 'I cannot tell a truth'. 

 
 
 
Ozzwald
Professor Quiet
1.1.6  Ozzwald  replied to  Tessylo @1.1.4    3 weeks ago
I wonder what the going price is on the soul of a gqp member

Don't know, but pretty sure republicans are having a BOGO sale on their souls.

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
2  Ender    3 weeks ago

Now that I am finally in and we voted to continue, I want you all to look under your seats.

A card listing the investigation you will helm!

You get an investigation! You get an investigation! You get an investigation...

 
 
 
Greg Jones
Professor Guide
2.1  Greg Jones  replied to  Ender @2    3 weeks ago

Yep....probably many before it's all said and done.

 
 
 
Ender
Professor Principal
2.1.1  Ender  replied to  Greg Jones @2.1    3 weeks ago

Nothing like retribution politics.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
2.1.2  cobaltblue  replied to  Ender @2.1.1    3 weeks ago

Nothing like retribution politics.

I say bring it. It will only serve to shine a light that will illuminate their own governmental bad acts. 

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
2.1.3  Tessylo  replied to  cobaltblue @2.1.2    3 weeks ago

But it's a known with these pricks - retribution along with hate, divisiveness, ignorance, vengeance, grievances, endless . . .

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
2.1.4  cobaltblue  replied to  Tessylo @2.1.3    3 weeks ago
retribution

Their penchant for retribution for each other is going to be in full display. 

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
2.1.5  devangelical  replied to  cobaltblue @2.1.4    3 weeks ago

the real groveling hasn't even started yet...

 
 
 
Trout Giggles
Professor Principal
3  Trout Giggles    3 weeks ago

I hope he gave Large Marge authority to investigate Jewish Space Lasers.

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
3.1  Tessylo  replied to  Trout Giggles @3    3 weeks ago

jrSmiley_91_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4  cobaltblue    3 weeks ago

Katie Porter rocks! The GQP's inability to govern was on full display as chaos erupted 14 times. And what was Katie doing to occupy her time? Broadening her horizons.

katie-porter-house-19.jpg?quality=75&strip=all&w=744

 
 
 
Tessylo
Professor Principal
4.1  Tessylo  replied to  cobaltblue @4    3 weeks ago

jrSmiley_93_smiley_image.jpg Good woman.

Great actually.

Where do I get a copy?

Unemployment since the end of November has made me so not want to give a fuck lately

Working on it

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Expert
4.2  Sean Treacy  replied to  cobaltblue @4    3 weeks ago

Lol.  Typical progressive.  

An ex-staffer for Democrat Rep. Katie Porter of California alleged that the congresswoman made rude and racist comments to staff and said that she "ridiculed people for reporting sexual harassment." Sasha Georgiades, a Navy veteran and former Wounded Warrior fellow for Porter, also alleged that she heard the progressive congresswoman use racial slurs when talking to staff. Porter is currently facing scrutiny after leaked text messages showed her berating Georgiades for catching the coronavirus. 

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
4.2.1  devangelical  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2    3 weeks ago

fox news? oh, it must be true... /s

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Expert
4.2.2  Sean Treacy  replied to  devangelical @4.2.1    3 weeks ago

[deleted]

Sure,  A Democratic staffer is in cahoots with Fox.  good call. 

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.2.3  cobaltblue  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2    3 weeks ago
Lol.  Typical progressive.  

Lol. Typical Qanoner. Thinking people give a fuck what he or his corrupt traitorous party thinks.

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Expert
4.2.4  Sean Treacy  replied to  cobaltblue @4.2.3    3 weeks ago
pical Qanoner.

You think Katie Porter hires Qanon? 

So not only is she a racist whose staff hates her, she is also crazy.  Okay. 

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
4.2.5  GregTx  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.4    3 weeks ago

jrSmiley_72_smiley_image.gif

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.2.6  cobaltblue  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.4    3 weeks ago
she is also crazy

Unlike Marjorie, Lauren, Palin, Lake. All racist and crazy. Your Qanoners are all crazy. And don't forget the traitorous crazy confederate flag wavers and the six politicians (and two attorneys and staff member) who inquired about preemptive pardons after the January 6 attempted coup. I hope they know that in order to receive a pardon, they must admit guilt.

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows
Former Lawyer Rudy Giuliani
Rep. Andy Biggs of Arizona
Rep. Mo Brooks of Alabama
Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida
Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia
Rep. Scott Perry of Pennsylvania
Lawyer John Eastman

i recently read that most trolls are lonely people with low self-esteem. That's why they insert themselves with really nothing to add, only having a hope to annoy people they perceive as smarter than they are. They hope to "bring them down." They thrive on what they perceive is schadenfreude. Like trump. 

Get a dog. It'll help. 

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
4.2.7  pat wilson  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.4    3 weeks ago

Katie Porter is no more a racist than she is from Mars.

"whose staff hates her" ? Please, one disgruntled staffer crying to Fox "News".

Google Katie Porter a racist. Only sources making these ridiculous claims are right wing media:

Fox News, The Washington Examiner, The Spectator, Newsweek, The Daily Mail, all running the exact same story form the same disgruntled staffer.

Pure gaslighting Sean.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.2.8  cobaltblue  replied to  pat wilson @4.2.7    3 weeks ago

Pure gaslighting Sean.

Smoke and mirrors. No substance. There are some people that would benefit from some form of intellectual Viagara because of their cerebral impotence. 

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Expert
4.2.9  Sean Treacy  replied to  pat wilson @4.2.7    3 weeks ago

K atie Porter is no more a racist than she is from Mar

Because you know.  You sound like someone who blindly defends Trump. 

whose staff hates her" ? Please, one disgruntled staffer crying to Fox "News"..

It's  not one staffer.  She also  didn't talk  to fox news.  fox news simply reported it.  

You don't seem to understand what 's happening. 

  Only sources making these ridiculous claims are right wing media:

Surprise Surprise! Left wing media doesn't cover allegations against left wing congressmen. Shocking!

And why is that?

former Playboy correspondent Alex Thomas defended the legacy press’ inaction with the laughable “this isn’t news" defense. “The Katie Porter stuff is not new,” he said. “Dem staffers have been talking about [this] for at least two years.”

Democratic staff and reporter for Playboy.  A real "vast right wing conspiracy" for you to blame.

Pure gaslighting Sean.

I don't think you know what that means.  I've actually provided sources for my claims. You just spout denials with no support, and ad hominem deflections. 

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Expert
4.2.10  Sean Treacy  replied to  cobaltblue @4.2.6    3 weeks ago
recently read that most trolls are lonely people with low self-esteem

I'm sorry you don't like yourself.  

Desperately seeking validation on the internet isn't going to help that. 

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
4.2.11  pat wilson  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.9    3 weeks ago

pfft, my post stands as does all the remarks therein.

The right hates Katie Porter because she is an exceptional congresswoman who takes her role very seriously. She's looking out for all Americans including you. Find some real windmills to tilt at.

 
 
 
Sean Treacy
Professor Expert
4.2.12  Sean Treacy  replied to  pat wilson @4.2.11    3 weeks ago
ates Katie Porter because she is an exceptional congresswoman who takes her role very seriously. She's looking out for all Americans including you.

Hardly anyone knows who  Katie Porter is. She's a backbencher with no accomplishments to her name.  She won  a democratic district with 51% of the vote.  Why would Republicans bother hating her? 

Your argument is just "it's not true because I don't want it to be true." 

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
4.2.13  pat wilson  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.12    3 weeks ago

You knew who she is. Anyone that follows the news has at least heard of her. She's an awesome public servant and the right hates her.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.2.14  cobaltblue  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.9    3 weeks ago

I don't think you know what that means.  I've actually provided sources for my claims. You just spout denials with no support, and ad hominem deflections. 

I didn't spout a denial. I have nothing to support. I just brought up examples of your corrupt, racist and traitorous party members in order to point out your ridiculous hypocrisy. Your party is primarily made up of racists. You're always grasping at straws. So much so, you've made yourself irrelevant long ago.

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.2.15  cobaltblue  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.10    3 weeks ago
I'm sorry you don't like yourself.  

You came into this article to get my attention, so that hardly defines me a troll. Logic makes your behavior on the trollish side. 

4.2     Sean Treacy     replied to    cobaltblue   @ 4  
 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.2.16  cobaltblue  replied to  Sean Treacy @4.2.12    3 weeks ago

Your argument is just "it's not true because I don't want it to be true." 

That premise began a coup for traitorous grifter trump. A coup with loss of life. 

 
 
 
GregTx
Junior Participates
4.2.17  GregTx  replied to  pat wilson @4.2.13    3 weeks ago

Is she your rep Pat?

 
 
 
pat wilson
Professor Guide
4.2.18  pat wilson  replied to  GregTx @4.2.17    3 weeks ago

District next to mine.

 
 
 
al Jizzerror
Junior Expert
4.3  al Jizzerror  replied to  cobaltblue @4    3 weeks ago
Katie Porter rocks!

Dammit.

I used a similar photo to create a meme.

Fuck it.  I know it's redundant, butt here it is anyway.

512  

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
4.3.1  cobaltblue  replied to  al Jizzerror @4.3    3 weeks ago
Fuck it.  I know it's redundant, butt here it is anyway.

Still damn funny! I'm still laughing at someone calling Gaetz "Rapey McForehead" on Twitter this morning...

 
 
 
cobaltblue
Junior Participates
5  cobaltblue    3 weeks ago

I've posted this elsewhere, but it's appropriate here. Sound on.

The McCarthy/Gaetz heated exchange on the floor have been transcribed by the country's best lipreading experts.   See it here.

 
 
 
Kavika
Professor Principal
5.1  Kavika   replied to  cobaltblue @5    3 weeks ago

Now that is hilarious.

 
 
 
devangelical
Professor Principal
5.2  devangelical  replied to  cobaltblue @5    3 weeks ago

the real comedy hasn't even started...

 
 
 
Gsquared
Senior Expert
5.3  Gsquared  replied to  cobaltblue @5    3 weeks ago

That is really great.

 
 

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