I Won a Turkey!
A neighborhood church conducted a food drive last week. They wanted people to drop off canned goods at the church. I'm an atheist butt I decided to contribute all of the old cans in my pantry. I had two cans of creamed corn that I didn't plan to ever eat. So I tossed them in a bag and added 5 cans of pinto beans and 4 cans of soup (cream of celery, cream of onion and two cans of cream of chicken soup). My wife loves that cream of anything shit butt I hate it. My wife had just left on a two week cruise of the Caribbean so I could give away her favorite shit and she probably wouldn't miss it. The church had a bin to collect the cans. I noticed they already had tons of creamed corn. I hope homeless people eat that nasty shit.
When I was leaving, the old lady sitting there asked me to sign up to win a turkey. So I wrote down my name and phone number and then I left. Last Tuesday my doorbell rang. There was an old man at the door. He said, "Congratulations! You won the turkey." He pointed to a cage the contained a huge LIVE turkey. He told me the turkey was a "Tom". So I decided to call the turkey "Tom". We released Tom in my fenced in backyard. Tom was glad to get out of the cage and he trotted around the yard. I asked the guy what to feed Tom. He walked over to his pickup and grabbed a paper bag out of the back. He said, "Here's enough food to last him until Thursday."
That's when I realized I would have to kill Tom on Thanksgiving Day. I went in the house and retrieved a big red ball that the my grandchildren liked to kick around. I walked out on the deck and I said, "Tom, catch." I lobbed the ball to him. Of course, he didn't catch it butt he managed to block it with his body and he sort of knocked it around the yard. He looked like a clumsy soccer player. I went inside and made myself a cocktail. Then I sat in the rocking chair on the deck. Tom was still bumping the ball around in the yard. When I finished my drink, I noticed Tom was resting in the shade and he was right beside the ball.
I went over to Tom and he backed away so I started kicking the ball around. Then I kicked the ball over to Tom and he started bumping it away from me. I would sneak up on Tom and steal it from Tom. I'd kick it across the yard and eventually kick it back to the turkey. We played ball for over an hour.
I had a big unoccupied doghouse under the deck (my dog had died a few years ago). I washed out the dog dishes and filled one with turkey food and the other with water. I put the dishes beside the doghouse. While Tom was gobbling his food I put the ball in the doghouse. After I ate dinner, I went back out to check on Tom. Tom was in the doghouse.
The next morning I checked on Tom. He had eaten all of the turkey kibble so I put some more in his bowl and I gave him a fresh bowl of water. I ate breakfast on the deck while Tom sort of sniffed around in the yard. Tom was following me around all morning. We played ball again and I realized I was going to kill and eat him the next day. I had already arranged a pot luck dinner for my adult friends. Everyone was bringing a side dish and I was supplying the turkey.
I didn't want to kill Tom butt I knew I had to do it. I called a friend who was the biggest pill head I know. I told him about killing my turkey. I said I wanted to do it humanely. So I wanted to overdose the bird. I asked him if he could supply me with enough barbiturates to kill two men because I wanted to make sure the turkey would die. He said he'd give me enough "to kill a horse".
So I mixed the barbiturates with the last of the turkey kibble. I was hoping that Tom would gobble it all down. So I gave tom some fresh water and his "last meal". I didn't want to watch him die so I went inside and had another cocktail. I watched a couple of YouTube videos about "How to Pluck a Turkey". It looked very time consuming. I took Tom's cold dead body and scalded him by dunking him in hot water and then pouring hot water over his body ten times. Then I tied him to the luggage rack of my wife's Toyota Highlander. I had Tom's legs tied to the front of the vehicle hoping the air flow would remove most of the feathers. Then I went down a country road at around 100 mph.
When I got home I realized that Tom wasn't naked. It took me hours to remove the rest of the feathers. Then I removed his head, feet and wingtips and I gutted him. By that time the sun was rising. I gave Tom a massage with seasoned butter. He was too big for the Traeger Smoker so I had to spatchcock him.
I slow smoked Tom all day (at 180 degrees) using pecan wood pellets.
By the time everybody showed up Tom was smelling delicious. We smoked lots of weed so everybody had their appetites fully "stimulated". My guests raved about the turkey. I couldn't bring myself to eat Tom but I enjoyed the side dishes. We had two kinds of pie (pecan and pumpkin) for dessert. Then it seemed like everyone was nodding out. Maybe I had used too many sedatives to euthanize Tom.
About that time there was a knock on my door. My recently divorced neighbor (a very attractive woman) wanted to invite me over "for a night cap". When I got home the next morning everyone was gone and someone had even done the dishes.
I was very thankful.
So now it's "Black Friday". It's the day Americans celebrate by having interracial sex.
And, don't forget to celebrate "Cyber Monday" next week. It's the day everyone celebrates by enjoying cyber sex. Be sure to sext a friend.
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I'm very thankful!
what a great story al, happy T-day.
that story reminds me of one my uncle told at the table one thanksgiving many decades ago. he was in egypt doing biology research for an ivy league university in the 60's. he had invited the other members of the research team over for a traditional american thanksgiving day dinner and ordered a turkey from a local merchant. the turkey arrived alive. not knowing what to do with it, he enlisted the aid of a local that acted as the caretaker/concierge in the american part of the compound.
the local asked my uncle for something to calm the bird before it was dispatched. all that was available was grain alcohol from the lab. the local opened the cage, grabbed the bird, and forced a large quantity down it's throat. then he turned the bird loose and asked for a large sharp knife which my uncle retrieved from my aunt in the kitchen, making her very curious about the loud turkey commotion so she followed him outside. the bird was staggering around the yard being quite noisy and the local calmly walked up to it and lopped it's head off. the headless turkey took off running trying to take off and crashed into the side of the home, with blood spurting from it's neck, completely traumatizing my aunt who fled back inside the home. the local calmly collected the turkey carcass and began the process of plucking and cleaning the bird.
while that preparation was happening, my uncle was busy tending to my very shaken aunt, since she was the person that would be preparing all of the side dishes for the meal that would be served in several hours. long story short, the meal was a huge success and the guests raved about the meal. my uncle said that it still ranks as the best turkey he's ever had, and being that it was in a muslim country, one of the dinner guests brought some hashish for after dinner. after relating that part of the story, along with the education of what hashish was to the unenlightened members of my family here in the states, my uncle laughed it off and explained that it was a middle eastern custom and when in rome...
The hash would be a great appetizer before dinner.
OTOH, Heavenly hash ice cream is a great dessert.
When I was a freshman in high school I live in Castro Valley, California. I had about 35 homing pigeons. I fad a large pigeon loft with "the traps" located on the roof.
Unfortunately a pigeon plague broke out. The wild pigeons were dying from canker. Canker was very contagious and caused their throats to swell up so they couldn't swallow. It cause them to starve to death. The state put a bounty on wild pigeons ($.25/bird).
Eventually an infected bird invaded my loft. I got it out as soon as I saw it. I wrung its neck and then I threw it over the fence (on the other side of the fence was an old orchard that was bought by the state and is now a recreational lake). To my surprise, the headless bird flew (erratically) almost 50 feet.
here's a story you might be familiar with...
Wow, Mike the Headless Chicken was amazing.
So, it was in Rome, not Egypt, hug?
BTW:
Are you aware that you are breaking the RULES by deliberately not using CAPITALS?
When challenged, used the old ploy, my keyboard is screwed up...no caps.
I would HATE to lose your intelligent insights that, like mine, are changing the world.
Hashish is a garnish that is sprinkled on your food, not sucked up one's nose, especially at meals. That is so gauche.
"Have you NO decency, man?"
The above quote is one of my favorites, purloined from the Joe McCarthy hearings, "SLAP DOWN".
I used it all the time.
You may use it, too. I grant my personal permission to a fellow prevaricator. (Whatever the F**** that means?)
Someone once mentioned that interaction with some here is like playing chess with a pigeon ... all they do is poop on the board and then strut around like they won.
Okay, this is my favorite: "Pin the Head on the Chicken." If you, dev, ran the exhibit, you'd somehow work in a Chicken Choke.
Never play chess with a native Texan.
You should play chess with an intelligent person from the civilized world, like California or Pennsylvania [never New Jersey].
Fresh turkey is the best. I haven't had it in years but I don't to commit poutricide just so I can one for dinner.
One year my dad got a capon for our Thanksgiving. When it came time to perform the decapitation, dad just laid that chicken on a wooden stump and in one swift move with a hatchet the chicken was headless. It ran around the yard for about 5 minutes before it realized it was dead. Then there was the cleaning...
Last time dad ever got a live poultry for dinner
I was never homeless, and although I've not eaten it for at least 75 years, I used to LOVE creamed corn when I was a kid. By the way, a person could make a fortune putting on a show with a soccer-playing turkey. Eating it was a mistake.
I, as always, agree with you, 100%. Buzz of the Orient that is an excellent suggestion and if these "bums" do not take up. your generous gift, I assure I will.
As soon as we, here, at the "Bird Dropping Institute, a Think Tank fer Morons, No Idiots, please" figure out what your suggestion means.
Be assured, Buzz, we, too, have a "Buzz!"
al Jizzerror:
Now, let's be honest, you is da turkey, a True Turncoat Turkey petting PUTIN's Turkey for him?
As Henry Cabot Lodge said to Joesph McCarthy (R) and father of Kevin said: "Have you no decency, Ass Wipe"?
Of course, the "Ass Wipe," the best part of that statement was CENSORED by the newspapers, three TV Networks and the Pope as "vulgar", or so I was told by one of my many Hallucinations!
-EatThePressDoNotReadIt
I'm 'scared' of you! It was awful, just awful, what you did to that beautiful living creature! I can't imagine what a hapless 'vital' turkey felt like being barbiturated to death!
Al Jizzerror, HOW COULD YOU?!
Yeah, I guess I should have used a traditional ax.
Well, you give me pause to consider: We never really know what is in our home-cooked meals do we? I remember the time my grands asked me to kill our city chicken, by wringing its neck. I could feel its movements and pulse in my fingers and hand—I could not get the 'wringing' right. So, she grabbed it and put it out of its misery.
So tell me something: Next year, do you intend to sign up for another live turkey giveaway?
When I signed up, I didn't know it would be a live turkey.
Understood. But after all this, are you satisfied with 'processing' your own dinner?
All and all it sounds like a nice meal went over. I am so glad for you!
BTW, my grands, may God be pleased with her, was an farm girl growing up and having children to feed before she moved to the city. She knew her way around wringing necks!
I like making certain things from "scratch" because it doesn't require me to kill anything.
I enjoy making my own pizza (including the dough) butt I don't slaughter a cow to make my famous "cheeseburger pizza".
Friend Al Jizzerror, it tickles me when I read how you spell "butt" for "but" and I quietly wonder if there is a back story to the way you do 'it,' no pun intended!
Cobalt and I founded "ButtHeads Nation" on NewsVine in 2013 (We later founded SiNNERS Nation).
Trout Giggles was an Admin in BHN and she created this NewsTalkers group (SiNNERS and ButtHeads) when the NewsVine rotted.
I started using "butt" instead of "but" when ButtHeads Nation was founded on NewsVine in 2013. The BHN logo was made from a photo similar to this:
All hail Buttheads and Cobalt Blue!
Wow. Amazing back story! I remember the old days of NewsVine where I was for approximately 3 years thereabouts before the axe came down! That is, I became a member of NewsVine right before they stopped "profit-sharing" with those guys and I stayed until it shuddered up.
The original vine looked nothing like it became.
Did NewsVine become better before its demise or worse?
It changed after it was bought. Some say for the worse.
I looked close and the only name I remember on there was Killfile
For those of you who are playing the home version of this game:
BHN was designed to flaunt the NewsVine rules. We encouraged people to butt heads (AKA -"slap fights) and our Admins (all female staff) never deleted anything except advertising. Bhn was an open nation and we never blocked anyone (even trolls). Our BHN rules were:
Rule 1. We don't need no stinking rules.
It remained that way for fifteen months. Then a site Moderator (Sally) decided to fuck it up. She demoted our head Admin, Cobalt, for a slap fight with a troll. I resigned as an Admin and I wrote a scathing article about it. Sally threaten to eliminate BHN unless they started blocking the trolls. The remaining Admins decided to recruit Split Personality and two other guys in an attempt to stop Sally from eliminating BHN. It worked. That's why Cobalt and I formed SiNNERS Nation. Naturally, Cobalt was an Admin there.
BHN was huge. SiNNERS Nation always had 666 members for some reason.
I think BH got more traffic than most other nations.
Yes.
BHN was consistently the most active nation on the Vine.
We had fun articles and fun members.
Remember the Inuendo classics?
1,000 comment articles were routine.
Sometime I would look at the tracker and holy cow....
Yes. The article was written by one of members of "Conservative Chicks Nation" She criticized BHN for being a bunch of juveniles who specialized in using crude innuendos.
I thanked her for the compliment and members of BHN embraced the article by posting over 1000 innuendos before she finally removed her article. It was fun and funny.
I did have a few of my vines lit up on the vine at the top left of pic. I think I only needed like two or three more. I was never going to get the last one.
I think you may have influenced sally in a negative way with your question on her "ask me anything" article...
the free speech rwnj's hated BHN and were determined to force it's demise.
Well she said, "ask me anything." Everyone was asking three questions.
All I did was ask her thee questions too:
1. Boxers or briefs?
2. Sweet or salty?
3. Spit or swallow?
I got suspended for one day. I thought that was fair. Butt I got lots of laughs for question #3, so it was worth it.
Do yo really think she punished Cobalt and threatened to destroy BHN over my innocent little joke?
I wrote lots of political satire on the Vine.
The article that got the most traffic was "I'm Adickted to Sex".
Should I write an article like that for NewStalkers?
“Do yo really think she punished Cobalt…”
Pardon the interjection, but given her all too infrequent commentary, guessing ms. blue is comfortable giving and receiving punishment…in the proper context of course.
Hell yeah, if people will participate.
We will have to make Trout take some time off work. Haha
Maybe.
Butt Sally demoting Cobalt was unprecedented. A short suspension would have been appropriate.
Cobalt was sparring in a BHN thread with a nasty troll (RonW) who constantly stalked her. Sally stepped in and blocked RonW from BHN. He became the first person ever blocked from BHN. Then Sally stripped Cobalt's Admin title from her and said if BHN didn't start blocking trolls she would shut the Nation down.
I wrote a scathing article about Sally's action and I made Sally a BHN Admin. In the article I said I was turning over the keys to BHN to Sally and I resigned as an Admin. I also stopped participating on NewsVine for awhile. The BHN Admins had been an "all girl staff" we called "Al's Angels". In order to appease Sally, they decided to hire three new Admins (all guys) including Split Personality and they told Sally they would start blocking trolls. So BHN survived. Butt it was never the same because we weren't permitted to butt heads with trolls anymore.
Behind the scenes, Cobalt still communicated with the BHN Admins and she participated in their decisions.
Sally forced BHN to block the trolls. So the White-wing knuckle draggers would come onto BHN threads and spew stupid (sometimes racist) shit until they got blocked. To them getting blocked from BHN was like winning an award. They would go back to their "conservative" echo chambers and brag about being blocked from BHN. It was pathetic. I hope that idiotic behavior pleased Sally.
except for what was posted to be read, I was clueless about what was happening until cobie filled in all the blanks for me later on. plus after almost what, 7 or 9 years, I can remember some of the highlights, but not necessarily in what order they occurred.
I think sally was unhappy that there was a highly trafficked place on the vine where it was difficult for her to be by the book assertive without a lot of demonstrated public resistance. I also think that you and cobie would logically be the primary targets of that frustration on her part.
meh, it doesn't really matter now. the mods left, the vine turned into a free for all, a bunch of rwnj's decided to put on their sheets and burn crosses, and then corporate eventually pulled the plug.
I liked Dave, before the end.
Yeah.
Dave was pretty cool.
Split P can give you his perspective.
He was the main man at BHN when the vine rotted.
Ooooooweeee! Spirit Personality is going to get you for calling him "Split P"!
Of course, it is after all, an American tradition. The "Axe" is as symbolically important as the turkey, minus its head, running amok, spewing blood on everyone & everything.
My, "White-Blue-Eyed Jesus", this is, after all, a sacred Demonic Ritual passed down since the Founding of America in 1614.
"Have you no decencies?"
If not, be sure to wipe the ax after using it, for God sakes.
I am still there. I like solitude, no one to critic my work, or being threaten if I don't loan them money. You would think that the people working there would not have to pimp the contributors.
The entire place is empty. I spend my idol time trying out the six hundred commodes and wondering how many gold thrones "Dirty Diaper Donnie" has in Mar Lago?
Does anyone know?
"Enquiring Minds Want to Know." The other kind doesn't give a Rat's Patooties, or so I am told by my idol, Steve Bunion, he knows everything.
Just ax him. And he will tell you, "I know everything! That's why the Orange Orangutang hired, but never paid me. (That cheap Bastardo)."
One of Banion's drunken quotes, he loved to quote is: "When I was a babe I spoke as a babe. When I became a man, I spoke as a DRUNK!"
LOL! I am sending Nurse Ratchet immediately to rescue you from delusion. Sally has left the building over there. And so have we! No critics, left?! No wonder your edge has worn down! Leave that haunted place immediately. Come over here where the lights are bright and you can put those sporty shades you keep around back on for good!
Tell Newsvine it's been special but you're done with the ed'ucation!
Now, what did you eat for Thanksgiving, and don't tell me just any old turkey joke! Bum Bun Bon Appétit!
That's what Lizzie Borden said.
Mr. Andrew Borden died
And he got his daughter, Lizzie
On a charge of homicide
And others say of course she did
But they all agree, Miss Lizzie B
Was a problem kinda kid
Papa up in Massachausetts
Not even if it's planned
As a surprise (a surprise)
No, you can't chop your
Papa up in Massachausetts
You know how neighbors love to criticize
Where he'd gone to take a snooze
And I hope he went to Heaven
'Cause he wasn't wearing shoes
With a hatchet so they say
Then she got her mother
In that same old fashioned way
Mama up in Massachausettes
Not even if you're tired of
Her cuisine (her cuisine)
No can't chop your mama up in Massachausetts
You know it's almost sure to cause a scene
Hopping on that busy afternoon
With both down and upstairs chopping
While she hummed a ragtime tune
And when all was said and done
She'd removed her mother's bustle
When she wasn't wearing one
Mama up in Massachusetts
And then blame all the damage
On the mice (on the mice)
No, you can't chop your
Mama up in Massachausetts
That sort of thing just isn't very nice
And it wasn't done for spite
And it wasn't done because
The lady wasn't very bright
That mom and papa bid
They said, Lizzie, cut it out
So that's exactly what she did
Papa up in Massachausetts
And then get dressed
And go out for a walk
No, you can't chop your
Papa up in Massachausetts
Massachausetts is a far cry
From New York
Papa up in Massachausetts
Shut the door and lock and latch it
Here comes Lizzie with a brand new hatchet
Papa up in Massachausetts
Such a snob I've heard it said
She met her pa and cut him dead
Papa up in Massachausetts
Jump like a fish
Jump like a porpoise
All join hands and habeas corpus
Papa up in Massachausetts
Massachausetts is a far cry
From New York
I'm not worthy!
Well, with that first block made by Sally totally did BH under. We knew al no longer considered it his nation, so in a rush, we had to acknowledge it was no longer al's nation, Veronika immediately renamed it ButtHeads 6.9, and we added administrators (three male and one female) in order to fulfill Sally's "BH must be moderated" edict. I was surprised at how seriously we took al's leaving and we worked swiftly and concertedly to keep it limping along while acknowledging he no longer claimed the nation. He'd always be King of BH, and we hoped for and waited patiently for him to visit what was once his. I still give deep props to those admins. They kept the nation's nose clean but still allowed pillow fights to occur. They were amazing and they worked to get us over that hump while we were being diligently monitored for any egregious reason to bomb the nation completely.
Once you're Queen, you don't just stop being Queen. Every female admin with over a year in was a Queen in that hive.
You pay chess so you know the Queen is the most powerful.
Everyone knew you were 'the power behind the throne. You made ButtHeads Nation popular with your incisive wit.
You had the ability to castrate the meanest RWNJ trolls with your responses to their pathetic attacks.
When I resigned you and the other BHN Admins kept me in the loop. I read all of the BHN interoffice comms butt I never offered any guidance because you were always in control of the Nation. I could never have saved BHN because I would have continued to butt heads with Sally (and the fucking trolls). You were nice even while you eviscerated trolls. Sometimes people thought I was so mean I must be kidding. I wasn't kidding.
When BHN was safe I managed to convince Sally to give me the old inactive Satire Group. Your presence in SiNners Nation gave us the leeway to continue to fuck with the trolls. And they Admins in BHN figured out a way to fuck with the trolls there. They started to block people for a week. Then when the trolls came back a week later, they could fuck with them and block them again.
They were geniuses. When things got dull they would declare an "amnesty" and release all of the blocked trolls from BHN "jail" and they could provide even more entertainment.
I think we pretty much figured out how to fool the site Moderators.
So they committed mass suicide and killed NewsVine!
And, they killed Kenny!
Those BASTARDS!
it was pretty funny when all the site mods disappeared and it took the rwnj's 3 weeks longer than the rest of us to finally figure it out...
Believe it or not, the absence of site Moderators didn't change my (mis)behavior.
meh, I like to think it presented the opportunity for an enhanced version of BHN and I self adjusted accordingly. there might have been quite a few instances of white supremacists being graphically death wished and them in turn threatening the banning actions of mods that no longer existed.
the internet was invented to make fun of stupid people, and trumpsters happily obliged.
The only thing she liked to punish was my Ostrich
Cobalt used to spank the RWNJ stalker/trolls regularly.
They must have liked it.
They would always cum back for more.
She spanked them, yes...but with a velvet glove and feathers she plucked from my Ostrich
We went for convenience this year.
Peel and slice Turkey Summer Sauage dipped in mayo or Sweet hot mustard with various cheeses and crackers
Zero prep time or clean up.
Enjoyment with football, priceless.
You are a genius.
I'm just a stupid plucker.
That is DISGUSTING!
(But I like it like that! Tell me more but quietly)
I have no other choice than to rat you out to the monitors, unless you are open to bribery.
I didn't tell everybody that you supplied the barbiturates that Tom OD'ed on.
Butt thanx!
Yes, al Jizzerror, you are a "plucker," but, if you believe in yourself, study hard, study the masters, you, too, one day will be awarded the honor of swinging the Ax!
Focus for God sakes.
Are you doing a happy dance about an ax murder.
And totally in step give the popularity of charcuterie now.
Batteries not included.
That's not good!
Have you NO decencies'?
Celebrating Thanksgiving Day is akin to celebrating Hiroshima Day.
Is that where you are taking us. What next? Nagasaki Day?
Put it back in your PANTS & Get Right With da Jesus!
Nostril Dumb Ass predicted this day would and it did. He also said that, "Tomorrow Will Come", just before he was clubbed to death with a CLUB!
I believe he called the Club, RePubliKKKans!
Never, never wish me a Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you have any idea how many native people have been killed, their land taken from them for peanuts soaked in chicken pox juice, or measles wrapped blankets were given to our brothers from another Mother-Fukar?
I'm with you! I only bought enough of turkey and fixin' to suit a quiet dinner: several turkey wings, legs, tiny slither of cornbread, and a small roast with a boxed dressing, cranberry sauce tray, and pie and cake-it was sufficiently peaceful all day long!
How, Dare You, CB:
Put the "Thanks" back into the "Giving," and give your left-over to the Republicans. They are undernourished which is the primary reason they are bitter, angry, unhappy folks that are looking for any excuse, to "Burn It All Down"!
"Have you No decency?"
I don't, but you can read. You should read the all the post of this new, improved Elon Musk, $8.00 per month TWITTER!
It will open your blind mind, your refrigerator and set you free.
Put the "Giving" back into "Thanks"!
PS: Please, let me know how beneficial and Life Changing my advice is, and remember, you are now entitled to receive more of my Wisdom, when you join, Eat the Press Do Not Read It, for only $8.00 per month.
Chou!
PS:
If you want to upgrade to a Green Check Mark, just pay S&H and a small fee of $15.00 per month.
"Popa Need a New Pair of Shoes!"
Eat' are you trolling for spare dollars again?! Put that cup of yours down and make some honest cash by informing the masses about the shiny, new, incoming leaders of the democratic house minority! Light up, burn 'em good, and let them know your oven cooks anything, I mean anything, stupid enough to get in to it!
Er, sliced turkey for everybody!
Now that's keeping it 'real' SP! Everybody off the annual 'money train' on its next pass!
That is one great story. So you had to spatchcock big Tom, but you got to stuff your neighbor.
Hey, listen up. That is porno talk. I am going to have to report me, unless you let me in on some of the juicier titbits.
Last year, I shot my first turkey for Thanksgiving. I'll never do that again as it scared the shit out of everyone in the grocery store.
I know, Drinker of the Cheaper Wines.
I, too, shat my breeches, and have ever since that fateful day. I was the one standing only a few feet from where you shot it. To this date the trauma haunts me, especially that blowback splatter.
Evening..oh crickey...
I haven't laughed so much in ages...
If this is Thanksgiving in America we are "stuffed"with you mob being our allies..
🤣🦃🐨🦘
I get it, too, shona1@5: When you grow up, I will tell you the rest of the story...the real gruesome parts that were quite tasty
- Jonathan Livingston Pigeon -Poo, "Doctored"!
If you don't think I ain't "doctored", just take a "gander" in me medicine cabinet. I take one, two maybe three hundred pills a day.
If I ain't "doctored", who the HELL is?
My mother bribed my dad not to abort me, when I turned 16, so, we aborted him. Tit for Tat, as they say in England.
"Tits for Dat"...I think that is what they say. They have such funny accents it hard to hear what they are saying.
I think that should send all the non-aborted kids to 'Murica' where they can learn to speak English...those that don't, can be aborted.
My two favorite sites on Newsvine were, and still are seared in my mind, are yours. Of course, as a part-time idiot, and a full time Moron, I struggled with the term SATIRE.
For years, I was under the impression that it meant, or is code for those special people that spent their life "sat" on their "tire", which threw me for a loop.
And, that hurts.
My attorneys, "Shuckin' & Jive" wanted to sue you for my injuries, however, as a "dyed in the wool," Evil-Genital, born upside-down and backwards, I took the less travel road, overrode them...now, they are noting but greasy spots on my driveway.
Is that wrong?
When I joined NewsVine In September 2012, the presidential campaigns were well underway. The Satire Group seemed to be the best place for me to publish my ridiculous anti-Romney rants. I mocked and ridiculed the shit out of Romney. In 2013 the "Groups" on Newsvine were required to become Nations. The Satire Group went fallow. Cobalt and I founded "ButtHeads Nation" as a place for Viners to go to butt heads. Arguments weren't just permitted there, arguments were encouraged. There were no fucking rules in ButtHeads. It was an open free speech Nation. Nobody got blocked and no comments were deleted.
ButtHeads was the fastest growing Nation on NV. Fifteen months later, Sally fired Cobalt and made it clear the BHN had to block "trouble makers" (RWNJs). I went "behind the scenes" and sent Sally a copy of the letter "nennie" sent me. Nennie was the founder of the satire group. She asked me to take over the Satire Group because she was leaving NV. I asked Sally to permit me to take over the group (it still existed with its content still intact). Sally gladly "gave me the keys" to the old inactive group.
A few months later (on Christmas Day) I launched SiNners Nation (Satire in Newsvine) and Cobalt was an Admin again. The old Satire Group was formed immediately after NV launched. So When I was rebranding it as SiNners Nation there were over a thousand inactive members. I eliminated a few hundred of the inactive members so SiNners Nation had 666 members when we launched. We kept our membership at 666 members until the Vine finally rotted.
I loved those arguments! Holy shit, they were fun. And you know, upon reflection, I truly believe Sally really liked al. She certainly let BH go unpunished for quite a bit longer than anyone had anticipated. Which is why that cute little FB group of right leaners joined BH en masse like they were at Iwo Jima hoping to get the nation torpedoed failed miserably. Cute little attempts and I enjoyed the hell out of them. Plus I think she believed in al's message. He never got banned, I got one suspension and a demotion, and I never got banned. Not so much for those who trolled to nail BH as a nation. Makes me glad Perrie opened this site up for some of us can do what we do best as we age ... reflect on memories.
Speaking of the good old NV days, I remember the picture you posted of your beautiful, heart shaped bush. Do you still keep it well pruned and shaped?
That was my most popular article ever. That headline sure got a lot of traction, didn't it Drinker?
I'm dyin' over here!!!!
So many people over the years.
It’s never left my mind, thanks Cobalt for sharing.
I can’t tell you how much that image sustained me during my lengthy illness. Life is beautiful.
Yes, I still do my best to rage.
Sorry, you said, "age"".... Sorry, butt I can't do that gracefully.
I'm the "keeper of the porn".
Here is the picture of Cobalt's beautiful heart shape bush.
Yes.
Schick release a new product (and commercial) featuring a "heart shaped bush".
my 92 year old FIL asked me who I was yesterday. I explained that I was the guy that was married to his 2nd daughter for 26 years and the father of 3 of his three grandchildren sitting next to him at the table. I've been reintroducing myself to him for the last three years. I find it extremely comical, since he's a former postal employee.
Oh my, that is not good, yes?
meh, not really, he acted like he didn't know me the entire time we were married...
LOL! My dear elderly mother, so vital in past years, is starting to worry me with her wanting to argue every point and I am beginning to question if she is managing the taking of her meds right. The excuses are piling up and falling flat! Color me: Undecided.
Oh shit!
That sounds like a demented form of Russian roulette.
I find that "cartoon" offensive, sexual, inviting, and lurid. When I stop licking it, I am going to report you to the proper authorities.
Howsoever, I must ask: "Is the position of the subject a code message?"
Miss Lin-seed Oil Graham Cracker (R, S.C.) wants to know. He telepathically communicated with me "bawling" (or "balling") like a baby, begging me to use my incredible psychic ability to get to the bottom of that image so he might sleep peacefully at night with that photo tucked neatly in his shorts.
RepublicKKKans are soiled, you know. Beyond perverted, but careful that no one expose them.
My telepathic number is JohnKR76!
So you like your 'victims' open and unguarded, eh? LOL!
You like your 'turkey' hot to trot? LOL!
Just 'funnin' with you, my old friend! Welcome back from vacation time off: Now, get back to work!
Note: This time around 'brown' some democratic party buns too with your wickedly 'hot' wit/jokes! It seems they need timely kicks and spurs, because they don't seem to snap into election mode until the eleventh hour-every two years. Of course, by then, their "d" voters are upset about the lack of love and attentiveness in the intervening 'period'! And so they don't want to 'put out.' Democrats like to be 'courted' with political hugs and flowers all year long!
Your 'work' should you choose to tackle it is before you, ETPDRI!
that's a shame, really
I want to thank everyone for not injecting politics into this thread.
I do, however, expect the haters to invade this thread and accuse me of being a racist for my Black Friday joke.
if they do, I may turn this into a black friday sail...
Please let them spew their nonsense.
I may provide some entertainment.
... as you wish, but it is the season for carving up turkeys.
Joke? I thought you were talking about the Kardashians...
The Kardashians are definitely a fucking joke.
And all this time, I wanted to f**k Kim, now I understand it was wasted lust, when I should have focused on the "flip-flopper" (Chris) who was calling out my name.
Thank, the Blue-Eyed Jesus, I never picked up the phone. Did you?
Well hell. If I would have known all it took was a sex tape to make me a kabillionaire, ...
What did you do with your copy, Ender?
You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay, just don't call me...
I am actually at a loss for words trying to finish that...
I think it was something about your "Johnson".
If you get totally waxed first, you came becum a brazillionaire!
Well, the "Tooth" has a way of "outing itself," Big Boy, especially when one juggles their junk in public, which by the way is crime.
And, that, damn it, is another incident that I must now "sweep under the rug".
Thank, God I purchased a new "Hoover". It sucks up everything.
al jizz-er:
Can't the two of you (Cobalt & yes, You) clean up your private, "Drag Show Terminology," before posting pornographic, enticing concepts on thenewstakers.communist's pristine, goody-two shoes site for "straight folks"?
Asking for a fiend...er...friend.
Every time I am exposed to one of your posts, my "CONVERSION THERAPY" starts unraveling.
Your former, Girl Friend, "Doctored" Jonathan Livingston Pigeon-Poo, CEO & Flounder of the "Less Than Prestigious", EAT THE PRESS
DO NOT EAT IT!
BTW: Do you prefer "Three Ways", Four Ways, or that "tangled web of deception", the mouthwatering, Five Ways with Onions from GOLD STAR CHILLI?
When your story got to the part of you winning the Turkey and it being delivered to your house my first thought WTF do you do with a conservative? They can't be housebroken and they are too dumb to teach them anything of value. Damn glad it was a real turkey and it was useful.
I quite agree, Kavika, with your insightful analysis of "Wrong-Wing" Conservatives. They cannot be trained.
I am so relieved to hear from a fellow patriot.
"We Must Save America from OURSELVES!"
At least this was fun. - Palin
Butt not so much fun for the turkey.
RIP Gallagher
Imagine what he could have done with a Thanksgiving turkey!
Mr G's bowling league gives out turkeys every year for people who "bowl a turkey (3 strikes in a row). They didn't give them out this year so somebody had to lay the cash for one.
Next year those boys better bring home 2
I got three strikes with the criminal justice system.
Butt they didn't give me a turkey....
I'd stage a protest over that
I was a serial cannabis offender.
I even turned myself in for possession of one joint on "National Bust Day."
I saw an editorial in Playboy Magazine (1971).
The author said over 25 million people smoke marijuana. If we all turn ourselves in for possession of a small amount of marijuana, and if we all demand jury trials (which is our right). We could tie the courts up for the next 100 years.
So he created "National Bust Day". He said everyone should turn themselves in on April 17, 1971 (420 wasn't a thing in 1971).
I may be the only pothead who turned himself in.