The Forgotten History of the Filibuster (satire)
Benjamin Franklin was a genius. He literally captured “lightning in a bottle”. We all know the story of how he flew a kite during a thunderstorm and had his kite string attached (using a key) to a Leyden jar. Here is a famous image:
The image is NOT accurate. Franklin knew how dangerous this experiment was; so the child in the picture actually flew the kite. As a result, the child (Franklin’s “protege”) was rendered unconscious and was comatose for an unknown period of time. The child, Howard Hymen, convalesced in Franklin’s home for months. Naturally, Franklin supervised the care of young Howard. Franklin invented oral hyperalimentation fluid to keep Howard alive until he regained consciousness. Franklin mixed milk with honey and toasted flour which was fed to Howard using baby bottles with nipples used to feed calves. Fortunately, the child’s strong sucking reflex facilitated this method.
Benjamin Franklin was a pervert (1). Franklin may have taken advantage of Howard’s sucking reflex and introduced semen into the child’s diet. Young Howard thrived and he made a remarkable recovery and he eventually lived over 100 years.
When Howard reached puberty, he was constantly in trouble for having sex with underage girls. Howard’s wealthy parents were constantly buying off the outraged parents of the little girls. Howard’s friend’s began calling him “Buster” because his last name was “Hymen”. Eventually, the Chief of Police in Philadelphia paid a visit to Howard and his father and provided evidence that Howard had raped several little girls. Mr. Hymen pointed out that being struck by lightning had “changed” his son so he shouldn’t be prosecuted. The Chief gladly accepted a large bribe butt he still advised Mr. Hymen that his son Howard should leave town.
So Mr. Hymen decided to send his son away. He told his son to go South and try to find a way to earn a living. So, at 17 years old, Howard went to Kentucky. Howard found a beautiful old plantation that was being auctioned off because it went bankrupt. Howard’s father came to Kentucky and he bought the plantation lock, stocks and barrels. The locks and stocks were used to punish the slaves that were part of the plantation and the barrels were used in the plantation’s whiskey business.
Howard did not know how to run a plantation so he found a local overseer who he immediately hired when he heard that the overseer was a bootlegger who preferred sex with underage girls. Butt that rumor was inaccurate. The overseer, Rich O’Donnell, actually preferred having sex with little boys .
The two men bonded and formed a long lasting partnership. Using his father’s money, Howard invested in stills and sour mash and they began producing excellent Kentucky whiskey. One of their best customers was Jefferson Epistone who owned a train. Epistone's train was popular with pedophiles who called it the “Kiddie Car Express”. So for Howard and Rich, it was a win-win.
They met a slave trader on the train who specialized in selling slave children to pedophiles. His name was Ronald Rump. Ronald Rump and Jefferson Epistone were partners. Ronald Rump, Jeffery Epistone, Rich O’Donnell and Howard Hymen enjoyed a drunken orgy on the Pedophile Express. Ronald asked Howard about Philadelphia. So Howard tells them about his old nickname, “Buster”. Ronald laughs and says, “So you’re Buster Hymen? That’s perfect!”
Then Jeffery said, “And since you’re from Philadelphia so I’m gonna call you ‘Philly Buster’ from now on. The nickname stuck.
There were two groups of abolitionists that were beginning to gain influence in Northern States. One group wanted to ban slavery and the other group wanted to ban alcohol. This made the four pedophiles decide to get into politics protect their own interests: slavery and whiskey. They decided that Rich and Buster were electable because they were known as plantation owners who produced the best Kentucky burbon. Eventually, Kentucky elected Senator O’Donnell and Senator Hymen. The reason these two pedophiles got elected was simple. People didn’t know they were pedophiles and they gave away free whiskey at their campaign rallies.
Years later, as new states were joining the Union, abolitions from Northern states introduced a bill in the Senate to ensure that new states could not be “slave states”. Senator Hymen decided to prevent the Senate from passing the bill so he joined in the debate. When he was recognized, he refused to yield to anyone. He “debated” for hours and his goal was to alienate the abolitionists. He droned on and on insulting everyone from the North. He also slandered the character and intelligence of slaves comparing them to animals. It had the desired effect - the Northerners walked out. He then requested a quorum call. Since there were not enough Senators left to vote on the bill, it was tabled.
Newspapers the next day had headlines that said, “PHILLY BUSTER PREVENTS SENATE ACTION”. The headline was intended to insult Senator Hymen, but from then on the technique of seizing the Senate floor with an endless speech was associated with “Philly Buster” because he was the only Senator who did it. Over the years other Senators used this stalling technique so newspapers began referring to these long winded “debates” as “filibusters”.
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1. 11 Gross Facts About The Surprisingly Prolific Sex Life of Benjamin Franklin
https://www.ranker.com/list/benjamin-franklin-private-life/katia-kleyman
Picture credits:
Ben Franklin flies his kite
copied from Documentary Warehouse
YouTube Channel
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/LVnMM13qN1E/hqdefault.jpg
NOTE: To anyone who is experiencing deja vu: I published a similar article about the filibuster about a decade ago on Newsvine.
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I'm back.
Did you miss me?
Maybe you need better ammo.
I missed you but my ammo is fine...it's my aim that needs work.
So glad you're back. Love the story
Thanx!
Where the hell you been?
Welcome back.
It's nice to be back (so far).
Ah, I needed a good laugh.
Now this is good.
I'm glad you liked it.
OMG!
and i have forgotten how to join a group, lol,
OLD PEOPLE< LMAO !!
I hope you're trying to join the Banned.
I was banned once butt it was all a big mistake over a misplaced asterisk.
Fucking asterisks. Who invented that, the effing Greeks?
An old NV friend was once unfairly accused of being a "rereg".
I think what really happened was he lost his old computer that he used to auto logon, so he started from scratch with a new ID. Butt I may be wrong because I'm old and suffer from "CRS" (can't remember shit).
That was the gist of it and I was pissed that the system always said my original moniker was in use by somebody else.
It was. Tyler said it was me, too. Original account had 14 comments in it.
During Sandy ( the hurricane that trashed New Jersey ( the State, not the Person )) as my battery back up bled out
I switched to an old laptop that still had battery.
It logged into the "old account" and I thought where fuck did my 50,000 comments go?
I contacted Tyler and we straightened it out, eventually, after some drama from Sally the site Mama.
Good times.
CMTSU
What was your other name?
If you don't mind me asking. I don't remember.
Franklin was a hound dog...
I enjoyed reading that story, whether or not it was satire or fiction or actual history didn't matter.
Thanx!
It was satire.
Ahhh. Feels like home.
Speaking of Buster Hymen (I've told this story before, so if you've heard it before ... you'll be hearing it again), a couple of years ago we walked down to a neighborhood carnival to get funnel cakes. As we're standing in line, a young couple (in their twenties) gets in line behind us after disembarking what was supposed to pass for the Tilt-A-Whirl. She was not having the time of her life. She says to her date, "That was about as much fun as it was when I lost my virginity." I'm sorry. It was an opportunity for the taking. So I turn to her, lean in and say, "Yeah. I lost my virginity too. But I have the original box it came in."
It's been a crazy few months. Working remotely from home and found myself working for 12 ... count 'em - 12 ... counsel. Yep. Long days. I've been responding to emails that are months old, turning on sprinklers instead of spending time in the garden, and all the other things that come along with working too fuckin' hard. Hopefully, once we get back into the office, that will diminish but in the meantime, I cannot spend too much time on here. For now. But that will change.
Hey! I smell pot! Did Giggles move Buttheads' medicine cabinet from the other joint? (Heehee ... I said 'joint') The ostrich isn't still around, is she? She helped herself to our goods with nary a care.
Gads - it is so good to see you again Cobalt - welcome back.
Oh my. LOVE the "gads"!! How good to see you again! C'mere, you! [Looooong hug!]
Apt indeed. I didn't realize how much I missed you til I saw you, r.t. You're getting a hug too. A long and tight hug! [No worries ... I'm fully vaxxed.]
I'm extremely glad you're back! Everyone has missed you. I've had a crazy couple of months too. I'm moving again (It's a hobby).
I like your new avatar, it's beautiful. I bet your "original box" is lovely too.
It sounds like you're workin too hard (yeah, I said hard ). Are we "sexting" in public again?
Went back and reread this article! Well done, my love, well done. Friggin' hilarious!
Thanx!
sorry, I missed the inaugural roll out. I took a short road trip this weekend. great to have al and cobie back. one of my favorite memories of NV was when sally published her ask me anything article and al asked her if she spit or swallowed.
Yeah. She said "Ask me anything ." Everybody was asking three lame questions.
My questions were:
1. Boxers or briefs?
2. Salty or sweet?
3. Spit or swallow?
I got suspended for a day butt it was worth it.
it cracked me up again just remembering it. the innuendo article was a classic too.
That was hilarious. One of the "Conservative Chicks" (northern girl) wrote an article (paragraph) criticizing BHN for our "juvenile innuendos". So ButtHeads embraced her article as a compliment. Over 1100 juvenile innuendos were posted before she removed her article.
I loved that shit. We fed the troll until she exploded.
You're kidding. I missed a lot of the last couple of years at NV, but the Sally I remember would have let that roll right off her back. Was there a change in her temperament at the end?
Cobalt and I founded ButtHeads Nation as an open free speech Nation. We had one rule:
Rule 1: We don't need no stinking rules
For fifteen months BHN Admins didn't block or censor anyone (except advertising spammers).
Our members could flag racist comments and the worst comments would be removed after five flags. BHN was democratic because only the members could remove comments.
We didn't block trolls. We confronted and humiliated them. Eventually, Sally demoted Cobalt for having a "slap fight" with a troll (RonW) and threatened to disband BHN unless we began blocking "trouble makers" and censoring their personal attacks. So I made Sally a BHN Admin and resigned as an Admin. Then I wrote an article about the incident. I said Sally was now in charge of BHN and I "gave her the keys". The article made Sally's actions and threats look like unnecessary authoritarian BS and pissed her off. She didn't seem to like my sense of humor after that.
LONG live The Banned and it's many iterations
not to be confused with the Blues Brothers Banned