Welcome to basic economy class. ‘Enjoy’ your flight.
Welcome to basic economy class. ‘Enjoy’ your flight.
Just imagine what it will be like to fly on a ‘last-class’ fare
By Scott Feschuk, Maclean’s Magazine, April 1, 2016
This just in: American Airlines and United plan to follow Delta’s lead and introduce a zero-frills, “basic economy” class on many of their airplanes . The creation of this so-called “last-class” fare—in which customers can’t choose their seat and are not given even water —will necessitate an updating of the standard pre-flight announcement:
Welcome aboard, some of you!
And a very special hello to our highly valued and physically attractive frequent flyers at the Super Elite, Super Duper Elite, Extra Elite, Elite, Elite! with an Exclamation Mark, Almost Elite, Elite(ish), Silver, Gold, Silvery-Gold, Platinum, Diamond, Plutonium and Anti-Matter levels.
Today’s flight offers three classes of service: business class, economy and basic economy.
As we continue to board the aircraft, please take a moment to place your carry-on baggage under the seat in front of you—or in an overhead bin not occupied by a basic economy passenger.
Please take a moment to get acquainted with your surroundings. For those in business and economy class, a recline button is located on your seat arm. Seats in basic economy will not recline or, in a few weeks, exist.
At this time, all portable electronic devices must be turned off or set to airplane mode—except in business class, where everyone has known for years that smartphones have no effect on airplane instruments and this policy is in fact a hilarious prank on the lower classes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has illuminated the seatbelt sign. To fasten your seatbelt , slide the metal clip into the buckle until you hear a click. In basic economy, hook the frayed bungee cord into the rusty latch until you hear your spouse complain that you’d tongue-kiss Satan himself to save 12 bucks on Travelocity.
Once we reach our cruising altitude, we will activate the Wi-Fi service in our business class section—and the viewing screens in economy class. Passengers traveling in “basic” are directed to the seat pocket in front of them, which features a selection of the very latest gum wrappers and used Kleenex.
There are two lavatories on board this aircraft. The washroom in the front is reserved for the use of our business class passengers. The washroom is the rear is reserved for our economy class guests. Passengers travelling in basic economy are directed to the seat pocket in front of them.
Once we reach our cruising altitude, our in-flight service will begin. Business class passengers will receive a hot meal. Economy passengers will receive a snack. Passengers in basic economy will be serving the meals and snacks. Do you know how to mix a mimosa? Sure hope so!
As we further degrade the in-flight “economy” experience to the point that only the slimmest of formalities separates us from essentially mimicking a hog truck on the interstate, we want you to know that we value your loyalty and your pain tolerance.
If you have any questions or requests, please don’t hesitate to press the attendant call button—unless you’re in basic economy. Our flight attendants haven’t set foot in that section since organized crime seized control. The best advice we can give is to avoid rows 36-38 (aka Hobo Town) after sundown.
Oxygen levels and air pressure are being monitored through most of this aircraft. In the event of a decompression, oxygen masks will automatically appear in front of many of you.
In the unlikely event that the aircraft needs to be evacuated, floor-level lighting will guide you toward an exit. Doors can be opened by moving the handle in the direction of the arrow. “Basic” passengers will need to swipe a credit card to use the escape slide.
We now ask passengers in basic to cover their ears as the following safety information is not included in their fare. No cheating!
[Flight attendant pantomimes how to use basic economy passengers as flotation devices.]
Ladies and gentlemen, for takeoff we will be dimming the cabin lights—both as a safety measure and so that none of us has to make eye contact with the “basics” back there.
Now sit back, relax and enjoy—or, for those of you in basic, “enjoy”—the flight. No matter which fare class you selected, we want to thank you for flying with us. We know you have a choice, and we assume many of you are regretting yours right now.
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So sad. I remember the days when it was a pleasure to fly.
Great read! I almost always fly Southwest. It's crampt, but everyone is treated the same and the attendants are friendly and sometimes entertaining. And it's cheap!
It's the truth, sadly...
I do everything that I can do not to fly anywhere, any longer.
I haven't flown anywhere since 9/11/01... We went to Cancun in August of that year-- so I know it would be a real 'experience' with all the changes... I hate flying anyway. If I can't drive, I don't want to go!
The good news, Dowser, if you haven't been groped in a while, TSA provides that service for selected passengers, especially if you upset someone at the check-in counter, they can help get you the additional....scrutiny.....as the reason for that groping.......
Flying to Baltimore on SWA soon. I do like flying with them-they are nice and generally on time.
I've always been afraid that the metal in my chest from open heart surgery will set off gongs... Yeah, that's ME in there!
You like SWA? I've heard that they are nice...
I choose to fly with them whenever possible. They do the Buffalo to BWI flight which gets me to D.C. quickly when I need to go and usually less than $200 round trip. I also have flown with them to NOLA. Unfortunately, they are not in all the airports I end up flying to.
It seems that the airlines provide the level of service that people are willing to pay for - pay a little more enjoy a few more creature comforts.
It is a consumer driven industry - if people stop (not just talk about it) patronizing an airline because of service provided that service will improve or the airline will go out of business. But so long as people are willing to swipe their cards and accept less and less service and creature comfort for that swipe, the decline in customer service will continue.
People, in my view, should either speak with their wallets and boycott the service providers who provide substandard service or quit bitching about it.
It seems that the airlines provide the level of service that people are willing to pay for - pay a little more enjoy a few more creature comforts.
When the price of oil spikes, the fares go up … but when the price tanks, the savings is not passed on to the customer!
Consumers in America need a union; I offer my negotiating experience as a part of a resume for the position of Chief Negotiator.
A Mac
And instead of doing what we can, "we the people" whine about the big, mean old corporations rather than boycotting them to force change in practice and price.
Most people would rather play the victim than do something concrete that might inconvenience themselves.
If North America would have super-fast train service the airlines would feel the competition and have to adjust accordingly.
Buzz
No doubt
But we do not so it is up to the consumer to drive the industry towards better service at cost effective rates
When I installed computers in hotels for a living I flew everywhere. The nice part was having half a dozen loyalty cards in your wallet that you could use the millage on to buy free upgrades to Business or First Class. The bad part was that since I flew so many different airlines it took awhile to build up mileage. However when they announce that they are over booked and offer a couple of hundred off your next flight, if you rush up to the counter many times they'll give you a free upgrade instead of the cash if you take a later flight. After 9-11 (I was stuck in Houston for more then a week when that happened) flying became a nightmare and I took a job as General Manager at a Holiday Inn instead of getting to fly all of the time, which was sad because I love to fly, as long as I got a window seat. If we're going to crash I want to see the ground coming up at me.
Oh and I swore to the woman in our home office that if she ever booked me on Southwest I would use my millage to fly to Phoenix to the home office and personally strangle her! United was the best except for the times I got to fly Air Canada. They were fantastic!
Air Canada USED to be good, Randy, but if you have a choice now, take another airlane.
I flew them out of Toronto to home in L.A. during a terrible heat wave (yes people Toronto has terrible heat waves) and they were rebuilding the section my flight was leaving from. There was no A/C in the section and it was over 100 degrees and incredibly muggy in that part of the treminal. The nice lady at Air Canada gave me a free upgrade to businesses class just to be nice. The food was great and so were the free drinks.
Have they stopped being nice sine 1999?
Buzz,
I flew them out of Toronto to home in L.A. during a terrible heat wave (yes people Toronto has terrible heat waves) and they were rebuilding the section my flight was leaving from. There was no A/C in the section and it was over 100 degrees and incredibly muggy in that part of the terminal. As much as I had liked Toronto (the Zoo was fantastic!) I had been there almost 6 weeks and was eager to get home for a vacation. The nice lady at Air Canada gave me a free upgrade to businesses class just to be nice. The food was great and so were the free drinks.
Have they stopped being nice since the summer of 2001?
Oh BTW I had forgotten my birth certificate so the border person was giving me a rough time about being allowed back into the States so he asked me a few questions about the US to prove I was an American. One asked me was who the President of the United States was and I said, in a slightly smart-assed tone, Al Gore. He grinned and said something like "Yep, you're an American." and waved me through.
LOL Randy. 17 years has made a big difference in Air Canada.
(sigh) That is a terrible shame. I was only lucky enough to fly them a couple of times and their service (and food!) was impeccable. Certainly much higher then the standard of most American airlines. Even the wine offered with dinner was wonderful! It's sad to see they have degenerated so much.
Years ago I would only travel on Air Canada if it was possible for where I was going, even if it cost a little more. I would still choose Air Canada for adherence to safety standards. My nephew has to travel back and forth to Canada a lot and he has horror stories to tell about it. If I were considering committing suicide I would travel on Malaysia Airlines - at least my survivors would have a financial claim.
Years ago I would only travel on Air Canada if it was possible for where I was going, even if it cost a little more. I would still choose Air Canada for adherence to safety standards.
That would be easy to understand. I can't remember the last time I heard of an Air Canada airliner crash. It's practically unheard of.
There's a new airline out of the Island Airport (Billy Bishop) in Toronto named Porter Airlines that offers really decent fares, but not sure how long they will be around. I've flown Air Canada a few times. It's easier and cheaper when I fly to Canadian Airports. On the other hand, parking a car at Pearson? That can be a bank buster. My favorite airline of all time? Icelandic Air. All seats were business class, good food, free drinks and nice folks working the flight.
This is WAAAAAAY in the past, but the best airline I ever flew on was Wardair. It was a Canadian airline owned by a man whose name was Ward, and it was a wonderful experience to fly with them - everything was perfect, but then it got bought by Canadian Pacific Airlines, and then Canadian Pacific Airlines went under.
Being a former flight attendant, I usually take the side of the airlines. But this is too funny and too true to object. One thing though: A passenger doesn't need to fly Basic Economy to be ignored by the flight attendants. We pride ourselves in being world-class, equal opportunity call button ignorers.
Favorite mentions in the article:
- Meals and snacks will be served by Basic Economy passengers. Fabulous! Having someone else do the work means we can once again party till we puke on short layovers.
- The hog truck on the highway reference. So much funnier, and probably more accurate, than the Greyhound bus passenger comparisons that we used back in the day.
- On lavatory use: Passengers travelling in basic economy are directed to the seat pocket in front of them. (Laughed till I peed regarding that one. *reaches for airsick bag*)
And the graffiti was priceless.