Mourning, Grief & Comfort: Inside the Storm
When we were expecting our third child, Randi and I realized that it was time to move up from the townhouse, and buy a real house. After a short deliberation, we settled on building a new one in Parkland, Florida. Back in 1994, it was a sleepy, remote community of about 9,000, where a number of people still took the horse to the supermarket. The schools were tops, developing at a perfect rate, considering the population increase.
Meadow's funeral was the first, on Friday, but remains the toughest. We were friends with her aunt, and way back when, the older kids all hung out, while Meadow would splash in the pool with her little swimmies, as her dad scooted her around. That was a crushing image in my mind, as we listened to the seemingly countless number of people, standing up to share their memories of this gorgeous young girl.
We sent our kids to private elementary school, because we wanted them to have a religious education as well. We settled on Donna Klein Jewish Academy in Boca Raton, the city next door to Parkland. It was a casual "Reformed" if you will, approach to the faith, giving the kids a meaningful and modern look at their faith, and how it relates to today's world. When they graduated, they all went to our wonderful "A" high school, Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. It was consistently cutting edge, and offered seemingly everything possible to the all students of all backgrounds and all levels of scholastic aptitude. Alex was class of '05, Melissa '09, and Noah was class of '13.
Randi went to a funeral on Saturday, and 2 more on Sunday. I didn't go to those. Many of the teachers were in attendance at all of the funerals, and she had a strong support group. On the subject of support groups, the school procured an army of grief therapists, available to anyone who felt they needed one. Randi opted for the group settings, and seemed to feel slightly more at ease after those sessions. She took advantage of all of those, and is still going. Heaven knows she's going to need this for quite awhile.
Randi was an I.T. code writer, until our hands became too full of our beautiful, energetic kids. When Noah was old enough, Randi decided to go back to school, and get her Masters of Teaching in Science. After a 2 year stint in a South Broward high school, she was lucky enough to transfer to Douglas High. That was 10 years ago. She teaches AP and Honors Biology. She became the chair of the department two years ago.
Randi didn't go to any funerals on Monday, but we went Tuesday to Carmen's funeral. Carmen was one of her students. Randi had also taught her older brother, who was now a senior. Carmen was a 9th grader. Carmen's brother spoke to Randi at the funeral. He wanted her to know that the day after she died, they received notification in the mail that Carmen earned a finalist spot for a National Merit Scholarship.
I can't tell you how many more funerals Randi will be attending. I don't ask until I get home. I'm feeling the collateral damage, in ways that I'd rather not explain. This is not about me. Randi decided to sponsor a lunch at the house tomorrow. All the science teachers and administrators will be there. She's favoring the group settings, and I fully support any means by which she can accomplish this.
The school will have a "soft" opening on Friday. The teachers will all meet in the auditorium at 8 a.m., and Ty Thompson, the proud principal of MSD High will address them. They will proceed to the memorial that has been set up by a man who goes all around the country, making crosses (and stars) at all of these unfortunate devastated venues. I recall seeing him on TV after Orlando. He came to our town last week.
Monday will be a regular planning day, and the kids will supposedly return on Tuesday. There has been no announcement of when the kids will return. Personally, I don't think it will be Tuesday. Just my opinion.
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I have no words that can say how deeply sorry I am at your and Randi's loss. My heart goes out to you and her, and to all those who lost in this tragedy. Know that you are in my thoughts, and have been from the beginning. I pray God will touch you and yours in this time of grief. Be well my friend.
I do appreciate that. Thank you kindly.
It's hard to imagine re-opening and reusing the sections of the school where kids and teachers were gunned down in the hallways and classrooms. Maybe they could remodel and change that building in a way that will make it look like a different place. I heard on the news that someone proposed that building be torn down.
Best wishes to your wife and everyone suffering through this unthinkable event.
Actually, there is some discussion of leveling the 9th grade building, where most of the tragedy occurred. Many youngsters saw things there that they will not be able to unsee.
Thank you for your kind wishes.
I also have no words, and cannot truly understand the horror that the students, Randi, yourself and the whole of the community must feel. The personal nature of school shootings only adds to the pain .. as there never seems to be a clear reason as to why..
I am a proponent of safeguarding our children at all times. I read this article over Christmas break regarding Sandy Hook and their new building - just wanted to pass it along to you .. as you mentioned the 9th grade building possibly being rebuilt.
My thoughts are with you, your family, friends/community .. I cannot express my deep sadness for the losses that you all feel. May all find Peace once more............
I too cannot truly understand the horror of this event, but I hope to one day.
Thank you for the information, and your thoughts and prayers.
I do not know what it would take to be able to understand it (?) even those that survived Columbine (this many years later) do not seem to understand the horror they lived through ... yet at that time Columbine was uncharted waters.
The few students from Stoneman Douglas High that I have seen in interviews, seem to have a strong grasp of what took place - have even stronger feelings on what should be done. Even though the pain is so fresh, they have been able to stand up and be articulate in their demands for change. (perhaps they will be able to explain to us the horror?)
Peace ...
loki, I fully understand your message.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
Well said loki .. it is prob best that we do not understand.
.. yet to understand does it have to mean that 'we' are no longer able to grieve? There is a family that is often forgotten .. and that is the family(ies) of those that have caused the death of so many young lives. They grieve for those lives their loved one took, as they grieve for the loss of their loved one (even if the individual is alive .. their families have lost them). Perhaps I over think things... I on't know...
My sons High School walked out today at noon ... asking for their concerns to be heard, as they stand with the student of Stoneman Douglas - perhaps now is the time that something will move forward ... there has to be an understanding, a compromise as well as an avenue to prevent those that struggle so severely with mental illness from purchasing a firearm .................... okay shutting up now!
What a travesty it is that schools, places of worship, etc need now to be built like fortresses, but as is proven in Sandy Hook they need not look like them.
There are no words that can bring comfort. So many beautiful souls lost. I'm so sorry for what you and your wife are going through. My son also teaches school in Florida and I realize how very close a teacher can become with their students. My heart breaks for Randi, you and all the families living through this.
Thank you for your thoughts. Hopefully, we will come out the other side close to whole.
Jonathan, words seem like little to offer you Randi and family.
From my family to you and yours, best wishes and strength to continue to move forward..
Thank you for your wishes, and bless all of your hearts.
Jonathan...I'm so very sorry for what you, your wife, your family and friends have had to endure. So incredibly senseless and sad.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Jon,
I am so glad that you wrote this. I think that so often, we see these things on TV, but as much as we might think we feel their pain, it really hits home when it happens to someone in our community. It becomes so much more real.
I know that there is nothing I can say that will comfort you and Randi. All I can say is that I hope time will your wounds, which I know are deep and that you are both in my prayers.
btw... does Joel know?
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, Per.
Yes, Joel does indeed know.
Jonathan - though I'm presently not "sharing" the pain you and Randi are feeling, daily I get the reminders of the fears so many teachers/students have.
My wife is a Spanish I, II, III teacher in a fairly "ruff" high school - where threats of violence are a common place thing. They have two full time police officers and eight full time security officers patrolling the campus daily and at least twice a day on the week-ends and holidays.
Inside the classrooms, attitudes run rampant - three weeks ago, a young punk Freshman got in the face of a teacher and boldly and proudly stated they were gonna f*ck up the teacher 'cause the teacher gave the student a D for flunking a test. Needless to say - student was suspended, parents arrived extremely hot and are now threatening to sue the District, School, Principal and teacher 'cause little Timmy flunked his test.
Constant reminders of the overall insecurity of today's kids - the anger, bluster, fighting, threats - but my wife loves being a teacher because of the many students who are actually interested in obtaining a meaningful education. BTW, the school student population is 74% Hispanic - and it's the White kids who are the problem.
Our best wishes and condolences to both you and Randi and to your three young'ns.
Thank you for your kind wishes, 1st.
Jonathan, although I'm on the other side of the world, the horror of this, and how it came so close to your family, deeply affected me, and when I read your previous article about it realized that only for the grace of God you and your family are safe, but not saved of the pain caused by this incident. Hopefully the adage that time heals all wounds will apply for you and yours.
In Meditation XVII John Donne many centuries ago wrote that when any of us die, we all die a little bit, even infinitesmally. I would modify that to say that when we are acquainteed with someone, as you and your wife were, and that person dies, then we personally die more than infinitesmally - but do not discount that when the person we knew has died, they live on through us, in our memories. In our religion, the words "Never forget" can be applied to more than The Holocaust.
Thank you so much, Buzz. Your words mean so much at a time like this.
Thank you again.
Dear JP,
Sometimes we are thrown into the middle of tragedy for no other reason than circumstance. I'm not sure anyone is truly prepared for these situations and none of us have the answer for why a life is taken. Having more than one life lost is nothing less than catastrophic with an impact with ripples and touches so many lives. It forces a time for reflection and demands a re-commitment to what is truly important. You have your wife and family and they have you. It's good that your wife has found what is helping her work through her grief. It's humbling to see your wife's students take their grief and turn it into action. We are witnessing something incredible transpire from their grief.
I still feel winded
just learning to breath despite it
to believe this is the brilliance
of human nature
To find new ways to breath
When the old ways are taken from us
To live despite of the wounds
s.c.lourie
To live despite of the wounds
Words never rang so true right now.
Thanks, PJ.
Dear JP - I was thinking about you and your wife today as the media spoke about the teachers/students gathering at the school today in preparation of returning tomorrow. I hope your wife is taking comfort with her students and peers.
Jonathon..... Words cannot begin to express the condolences that I have for you and the family of Parkland, Florida. Unless you have experienced this type of loss, or the loss of a child for any reason, the sheer horror of the event is unimaginable.
As children, we believe in our immortality. As adults, we believe in our children's immortality {at least to the point that they survive us}. This type of event rips at that very fabric of our consciousness.
While no death is ever acceptable, the Parkland community will know that these children and young adults may have a lasting legacy on this nation. Their light shines in the words and actions of their classmates and the rays of hope that all of you have as you move through this difficult time.
Words so well spoken, Doc.
Thank you for your condolences.
Johnathon, I join the others, above. There just are no words to comfort you and Randi, or the school's staff, students' parents, friends,etc. So many people affected by this tragedy. I live in South Broward and for me it feels "too close to home". Can't even imagine how you and those who were affected must feel. I have a feeling I'd be in shock, sad, and angry, all at the same time.
Warm thoughts, and prayers to you and Randi, and all those affected by the tragedy last Wednesday.
Thank you kindly for your wishes, thoughts and prayers.
Yet another expressing a sorrowful voice, acknowledging the depth of pain and sorrow that has been visited upon your home and community.
Praying you are able to provide the comfort and solace Randi needs today and ultimately in the future dealing with this life altering event. Neither of you, or your community, will ever be the same people you were just thirteen days ago and for that I'm sorry.
Thank you for your prayers, Lynne.
We are comforted and heartened by all of the expressions, of hope, thoughts and prayers we have received.
Dear Friend Jonathan P: I am here for you and yours by private note and personal email for any and all ways I can be supportive and of assistance.
Peace, and Abundant Blessings Now and Going Forward.
Enoch.
Thank you, Enoch.
I'm happy to say that I have a large and strong network of friends and family, along with some professional help to get us on the path we need to be. It's a slow process, but it's moving in the right direction.
B'ezrat Hashem, we will come out the other side whole.
Thank you again.
Wishing you and yours a Pesach Kasher Ve'samayakh.
Humbly I bestow the same wish upon both you and your family and Enoch and his as well. Unfortunately one cannot buy matzoh here, so I have to make do with crackers. LOL
Flat and tasteless is "afflicting" enough.
Have a good Pesach, Buzzy.
Dear Friend and Brother Jonathan P: Gam Lecha veh Lechem.
Enoch.
Dear Friend and Brother Buzz: Gam Lecha Veh Lechem.
Kol Meshpatecha.
Enoch.
LOL. "Buzzy" was my nickname from 4 years old until starting university - when I shortened it to "Buzz". Many older relatives continued to call me "Buzzy" all their lives.
Hugs and blessings JP.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.