"PSYCHOANALYSIS NOW - PAY LATER", is a new psychological service available at all Quickie Marts, courtesy of Drs. Ding Dong and Ding-A-Ling", conjoined Siamese Twins, who specialize in treating this highly contagious disease, currently, sweeping through Congress like a BLUE TSUNAMI, known pejoratively, as the "Ass to Mouth" Syndrome.

These highly defamed professors, little known scholars and former Barnum & Bailey Reality TV stars are the principal owners of the world little know, pseudo medical facility on wheels, cited in most Police Reports as "Orfice to Orfice, The Complete Cycle of Universal Knowledge", or, the "In and Outs of Human Wisdom, Waste and Regulation". (Aka, "Shit Stormer Interpreters' and Whacked Out Psychic Readers"!)

During one of my recent séances, I had an opportunity to interview these clever fellows. Here is partially what they told me, to the best of my recollection, because, I was "stoned" at the time. So, I made up the rest.
They stated that, "All Humans are born with two orfices in one body, as many of us know, except Trump Supporters, who are incapable of thinking outside of the toilet.

"Approximately, 99.9% of the world's population squeezes into this world from the other dimension with a perfectly running and smoothly functioning biological system that complies with the Laws of Nature:
'What goes in one direction - flows out the other, in a well balanced intake-out take a system that fuels our existence'.

"Howsoever, now and then, an 'Ass-Mouth' pops up, unannounced, within our evolutionary gene pool providing a rare set of scientists with a unique insight into what maybe our 'Near Future' evolutionary change and, thereby, provide the studious with a great deal of consternation.

"For example, Donald J. Trump, America's First Real Fake POSTUS has the unique ability to talk from both orifices, but, not simultaneous, and, perhaps, he is most famously known personality that is afflicted with this the Ass To Mouth Syndrome.

"A condition that causes an involuntary compulsion to talk from both orfices, but, not simultaneously, which would be disgusting, difficult to hear, or, understand due to the constant splattering, and, potentially lethal.

"Thousands of lesser known scholars, injured (in the line of duty) law enforcement officers and very peculiar psychiatrists have reached out to our office, ORFICE TO ORFICE, for clues as to how one might decipher 'the Donald's' rants on twitter.

"First of all", they advise, "asses cannot type or spell very well. They have no fingers which explains the miss spellings, typos and "sh*tty* comments.

The good, but, very distorted doctored, added, "We advise compassion when dealing with someone so afflicted as Donald J. Trump! He could go off on a Shit Storm at a moments notice!
Caution is advised!

"One must understand, that in most of these cases, so as it is in Trump's, one orfice is lazier than the other and tends to malfunction at the most inappropriate time.

The disoriented, drooling, Siamese Twins cautioned, in a clear and to the point manner (write this down, there will be a test next week) the following:

"Always, when given a choice, 'Listen to the ass! Avoid the Mouth Talk!"
Fellow, News Stalkers, I trust this revelation will relieve a great deal of stress in your personal life and restore the "Tranquility" promised in our Constitution.

It certainly has in mind.

Please, write and tell us how your LIFE has changed, now, that you know the "Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing butt the Tooth, So, Help me Eat It"!

This has been a Public Service Announcement from EAT THE PRESS - DO NOT WIPE YOUR BUMS WITH IT!
Send all complaints % Pierre Halpren, Complaint Department, The News Stalkers.com