A Jay’s Diner Thanksgiving
A Jay’s Diner Thanksgiving
By Trout Giggles and Enoch
Prequel: Pilgrimage to June Cleaver’s Ranch
Trout Giggles, Enoch, Chef Boiling Water Goldstein and Lucas Braze prepared for the annual pilgrimage to the June Cleaver Turkey Farm.
Each year prior to Thanksgiving they drive to the ranch to select the perfect bird for the holiday.
“Come to the June Cleaver Ranch. We give you the bird for Thanksgiving”.
Trout Giggles drove the Chevro-Buick buck wagon.
Enoch called and rode shotgun.
The feet and legs of Chef Boiling Water Goldstein and Lucas Braze hung over the back end of the hay covered flat bed.
Boiling Water Goldstein is the head Chef at Jay’s.
He is credited with inventing the Winnebagel.
It is a recreational vehicle shaped breakfast bread.
Scholars claim it was Kavika who originated the baked good.
Shakespeare, Francis Bacon. Potaytoe, Potahtoh!
Lucas Braze is the Shochet (Kosher butcher) at Jays. His business card reads,
“I chop it clean with my guillotine”.
As the Chef and Lucas got into the back of the Hamish Amish series wagon, Lucas blessed the Chef by reciting, “And may the turkey you choose be a Tom Turkey”. (Book of Cook. Chapter 8: 360 degrees Fahrenheit for one hour per pound, with frequent basting).
The buckboard sports a one horse power under the hood engine. It goes from 0 to 4 MPH in less than a week. Economical, it has a café standard of 18 miles highway and 12 miles city driving on just one bag of oats.
Lucas used the loud speaker to play mood music for the occasion. Such tunes as Adagio for Strings (Samuel Barber) and Adagio in G Minus (Tomaso Albinoni) could be heard.
The route to June Cleaver’s Ranch for Inorganic Poultry in Motion is an easy and direct one.
Sections of the road are maintained by such good and welfare organizations as the Rotarians – General Mills Chapter, the Circular Reasonings – General Motor Chapter; and the Chasing Your Tails – General Signals Chapter.
Take Western East State Highway 15A to the Anytown USA exit (6 and 7/8). Off the ramp, hang a Louie at Rural City. Drive past the ranch on the right. Turn around and make a very sharp left into the entrance.
As they approached the corral Lucas played the theme to Greensleeves (Incognito Anonymous-Unknown) to relax the birds.
The fearless foursome disembarked from the funny little surrey with the fringe on the top.
Lucas visually displayed his carving knife, and put on a CD of The Godfather’s Waltz (Nino Rota).
If the birds charged the party, saying “forgetabouitit” and were ready to do battle, they were rebuttably presumed to be too tough to be served, even at Jays.
If the turkeys sat about a campfire clucking Kumbaya, they were deemed fair foul.
Some of the birds were now talking Apocalypse. Actually, it sounded more like Apoca-loca-lypse. Most bystanders just chanted Gobble. A few of German origin kept saying Goebbels.
Chef Boiling Water Goldstein and Lucas Braze selected their bird of choice.
Trout Giggles and Enoch negotiated with June. They made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.
Then the culinary crowd and their Tom reversed direction and headed back to Jays.
Entrée: The Feastival at Jays
Trout Giggles, Raven Wing, Kavika and Enoch arrived at Jay’s Diner in their Ford (fix or replace daily) Pumpkin Limousine (Hybrid Gourd) promptly for dinner at 3:00 PM.
At Jays a reservation is more thought of as a suggestion than an instruction.
The clock on the wall tells not in dog years, but instead in geologic time.
Not only was their table not set, it had not yet been made.
Carpenters were constructing a special five-legged Thanksgiving table.
Each leg is a different size.
It is known as the wobble wobble for your gobble gobble model.
As they waited, the foursome bellied up to the bar for a shrimp cocktail.
No, that isn’t a shellfish appetizer in a spicy tomato-based sauce.
Rather, it is an alcoholic libation served by a vertically challenged mixologist.
The bar keep was voted the 2019 Small Business Person of the Year.
At 4’ 13” he is that.
The server, Robespierre Isadore Ponzi advised their table was now prepared.
R.I. P. is known for boasting he never met a hairnet he liked.
His resume features special skills in salads whose lettuce is more Rogaine than Romaine. As well, coffee that is both bland and blonde.
Speaking of salad, the meal commenced with the traditional Jays More Fiber than a Sweater Salad. Prominent are the locally grown, seasonal and organic thorns, thistles and weeds. On the side is Oil (10W30) and Vinegar (It used to be wine).
Next is the Fishy Soup Course. It is a cephalopod tentacled aquatic based soup. Liquified nitrous oxide the main seasoning. Portion control should be used here. Overindulging can result in what Gastroenterologists refer to Squid Pro Coma.
Finally came the main course. The traditional Turkey based meal.
The turkey was slaughtered by Lucas Braze and a pair of computer scientists with state-of-the-art cyber hacks. It was hacked as often as necessary until the poultry was taken out of this life.
Side dishes were as follows.
Cranned Berries Delight. A small dish was over filled with as many cran, straw, blue, lignin, and Chuck Berry’s as the dish could hold. The only way to pry them loose was with a jack hammer. Fortunately, Jack and the whole Arm and Hammer family was at the next table.
Vegetable and Fruit Remnant Medley. A savory collation of pineapple and watermelon rinds, apricot and pomegranate pits and chewed seeds, coconut and corn husks. A choice of diet 500 Island or split-level ranch dressings on the side was offered.
I Yam What I Yam Sweet and Sour Potato and Spinach. This is whipped until a blended goo. Then it was re-shaped in a mold to look like Popeye. This is coated in more than extra virgin Olive Oyl. There is no possibility of Baby Oyl at this time.
Fiber Glass Insulated Stuffing with a Toe Knee Chest Nut Gravy. The gravy comes out of a can, just as nature intended it should.
Fresh Butter Milk Biscuit Rolls. These are aged to tooth breaking perfection over an eleven-month time frame in Jays parking lot in four distinct seasons of weather.
Server Robes Pierre brought a bottom less pitcher of Love Canal – Hooker Chemical Sparking Water. The untreated beverage boasts all the colors of the Kool Aid rainbow with all the elements on the periodic table and no additives of any kind. Extra Bibs are available, as the pitcher is bottomless. Talk about Wet and Wild!
Dessert is Pie Goeth Before the Fall. It is wheeled out on a cart with every sort of pie known to human kind during the fall hyper-glycemic season.
Pumpkin, Mince, Apple, Sweet Potato, Pizza, and 3.14159265 pies were served.
Fresh brewed pots of Vicks Medicated Coughy, Calloway Golf Teas, and No-Go Cocoa with Swampy Marsh Mellows are all available at room temperature.
In a post Monarchical Period this is a meal fit for deposed Kings and Queens.
The prequel sequel: End of Gratitude as We Know It. (Jays diner and taxidermy)
Thanksgiving Day is a time for giving thanks.
To adopt the attitude of gratitude for all we have.
The operative word at Jays is “day”.
Effective 12:01 AM November 29th that day ended.
This section will address those things at Jays for which we are ungrateful.
These are matters that downright bother us.
Trout Giggles, Kavika, Raven Wing and Enoch want to tell you about the décor of Jays Diner. In the classic Nuveau Antigua style the walls are literally littered with the critter carcasses credited with the creations of Chef Boiling Water Goldstein.
Tamar and Thomas the Uber Taxidermists have preserved animals who gave their very lives for your Jay’s entrees.
To the right of the Benny Goodman swinging front door is the very first stuffed and mounted body that Lucas Braze guillotine garroted. A Possum on the half shell, it is also known as Arnold the Armadillo.
Hysterians of slaughtered food are quick to point out that the life form was not actually garroted. It was run over by Lucas Braze when the Chevro-Buick brakes failed. The Reluctant Repairs Garage stood by their guarantee for knock offs of Mr. Gut Wrench Parts. “Ask about our No Cost Replacement Policy”. When you inquire. The advice that the policy doesn’t exist, but thank you for asking.
Mr. Braze made a round tri to the Godfathers Pizzeria without first notifying Mr. Gut Wrench five weeks in advance in writing, and securing a document saying they would stand behind their inventory. “The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.” (Flim Flam Act of 1937, as amended).
In any event. The Armadillo was missing a head, which voided the contract. The skull was found in the satchel of a headless horseman on All Hallows Eve.
The far wall of the lobby displayed Tom’s craniums. There were those of the ones caught sitting around the camp fire singing Kumbaya. This is a lesson not lost on the more Apoca-Loaca-Lypse birds.
Turning left as you enter the swinging wooden doors are two squirrels mounted on tree branches that Trout Giggles ran over with a horseless (Orson) Buggy.
True, that Buggy is only one horse power. Where there is a will, there is a way.
Or as Chef Boiling Water Goldstein is known to proclaim, “Where there is swill, there is weigh”.
In the quarterly edition of “Driver’s License Monthly” the lead article on this is titled, “Driver’s License, We Don’t Need No Stinking Driver’s License”. It has a full page fold out photo of Trout Giggles with a staple in her navel.
The branch used to smack to death some of the animals came from Kavika’s golf and War Club bag. Butter Balls are all Titleist.
There is an oil painting by the Splash Sisters and Brush Brothers.
It depicts the first Jay’s Diner Thanksgiving.
Pilgrims were the guests of honor.
Note the funny black 17th century buckled hats floating in the bubbling cauldron. In the back is Chef Boiling Water Goldstein smiling.
Also see an elegant embroidered and framed plaque above the door frame created and sewed by Raven Wing.
It says, “Someone needs to take a stand on the food, service, and price quality here at Jays. Personally, I choose to stand on it rather than eat or order it”.
Brothers and Sisters - Amen!
A little bit of fun brought to you by Enoch and his lazy writing partner, Trout Giggles
obviously I'll need to self medicate a lot more before trying to make any sense out of that rambling hot mess. it triggered my ADD the first time I tried to read it. I can't believe the Rabbi let you put his name on it. jk/ly
We must be the family outcasts. We weren't invited. Oh no! I just read that Perrie wasn't invited either? Well, at least that elevates our outcast status, so all isn't lost. Yet.
Probably just as well. All three of us would have gotten stuck at the flimsy card table with the chairs that collapse and pinch in places that are better left un-pinched.
Dear Friend SMAAB: Of course you were invited.
Wouldn't be the same without you.
You are invited every year.
If Jays makes a profit in 2020, they will actually put a stamp on the envelope.
Aye, therein lies the rub.
Shame you missed the Mexican magic show of Tomas and his sister.
Here is an unofficial transcript of the interview of the regional local newspaper "Vowels and Consonants".
Are you a magician?
Si.
Is your sister part of the act?
Si.
What is her name?
Sue.
Sue?
Si.
What do you do to Sue in the act?
Saw.
Saw?
Si.
Is your father the agent for you both?
Si.
What is his name?
Sy.
Sy?
Si.
Does your Mom make the on-stage costumes?
Si.
So that is mostly what she does?
Si. Sew.
Sew?
Si.
At the end of the interview I was so confused I couldn't Si straight. Ummm, See straight.
By Ernest Scribler, Reporter
P&AB.
Enoch.
ROFL! Now that is a read tongue twister for sure!
Si, it is the best interview I ever saw.
Dear Friend Devangelical: Because you see this as a rambling hot mess, you have your thumb on the pulse.
P&AB.
Enoch.
Dear Sister Raven Wing: Jay's is expanding its back storage room space.
If you go to the produce area and start at the strawberries by the time you get to the vegetables the berries are out of season.
The only way to get from one side to the other of the frozen foods is by dog sled.
When visiting the meats department before you get from red to white meats you lose a day.
Its big, I tell ya!
P&A Sesonings.
Enoch.
LOL!! Then I will certainly need to multi-layer for all sorts of climate and temp changes while visiting that storage room.
But, what a trip!
Last time I visited they banned me for the vegetable bin.
Why?
All I was doing was taking a leek, and a pea.
The prejudice against vegans is palpable.
Enoch, Heading out for a plant based burger.
How unfair! All you were doing is simply taking a leak and a pea. Things that are good for the body. Things like that should be taken with a grain of salt.
At least no one was stalking me in the celery section.
That's a re-leaf. Or it could have turned out to be a lutte in the lettuce.
Possibly.
Laughs.
This is fun.
E.
I get it. my bad. I expected a buffet and walked into a food orgy.
P&AB back to you Rabbi.
Dear Friend Devangelical: As to you.
All the best for the balance of 2019, and an even better 2020 to you and yours.
E.
The event sounds like a pisser... I mean a tasteful event. But why was I not invited?
Perrie, who is feeling a bit left out but might get some left overs.
Dear Friend Perrie: We mailed you the invite.
It appears it was misdirected to Alaska by the USPS.
Oh well, "There's No Place Like Nome for the Holidays".
P&AB.
Enoch.
I guess, maybe, a good time was had by all? and to all a good night? Dilly Dilly?
Dear Friend Charger: Without counter example, all patrons of Jays Diner are had.
"When out on the lawn thee arose such a clatter, I sprang from my cot to see what was the matter.
Away from the window I threw down the sash, onto the green I tossed plastic bags of trash.
When what to my bloodshot eyes did appear? A Fiat sleigh with 12 herniated reindeer.
I shouted, 'Don't give me any of your sass, now take sleigh and reindeer and get the heck off my grass'!"
P&AB.
Enoch.
LOL, a typical Thanksgiving dinner for the ''Lost Tribe''....
Chef Boiling Water Goldstein wants you to use his full title...CHIEF CHEF BOILING WATER GOLDSTEIN.
Dear Brother Kavika: Correct, his proper title is Chief Chef.
Its in plain view on his portrait at the Post Office and the food channel, under the "America's Least Wanted" list.
P&AB.
Enoch.
Dear Fellow News Talkers: It is a pleasure and an honor for me to work with Trout Giggles on this joint writing venture.
It is a delightful project.
I highly recommend we all do more co-authorship, whether on topics serious or humorous.
As General George Washington told his troops as they prepared to enter the boats to cross the Delaware, "Get into the boats, troops. We are crossing the Delaware".
I think of that when ever I need inspiration for river vehicle boarding to this day.
P&AB.
Enoch.
Very cool, thanks for posting it.
Dear Friend Mr. Frost: Our pleasure.
"When your gut feels like rocks, drink some Maalox".
Old Amonite Folk Saying, by an old Amonite.
P&AB.
Enoch.
I enjoyed our joint writing venture. I highly recommend finding yourself a mating...errr...writing partner and dance the night away
a writing mate for me, would have to be just wrong or write, as thats the way i overdue it
.
i haven't read this seed, but i will.
i had a slice of pizza for Thanksgiving dinner, and some surreally weird reality that has hit new highs so low i dare not yet attempt to explane as dazed till i'm up at knight withoout my armour all to Polish my jokes i don't get to share with a Sonny daughters outlook i sometimes try and look out for,
yet she doesn't see what it is she is doing to me
and
others as all is not swell in my welling of tears that've been torn from eyes as of
A late best friend i did just bury last weak weigh too early, and a painful loss it has bin, and i've been stored away by convenience that a forsaken won was lost, and two me, a tremendous, tremendous loss as a nother life i see, i see again
one of my best tossed, all while i attempt to help another, but a young sister not another brother and i really can't grin an bear the room i can't wait in
as i'm sick of losing friends but i do real swell at it
till the swelling goes down, down u7nderground as i'm road on a third rail by an engineered course i never took as it was mine for the taken
as is most
i've foresaken
sorry for off topic, but that's just me i guess, and i had No Thanksgiving
so you ball are welcome taking
Happymutha f'n holidaze to one an all
i'll
put my two nonsense in later
might even read seed first for a change even though that would be strange
Dear Friend Ignorantzrulz: Best read before commenting.
As the Founder of Faber College Once said, "Knowledge is good".
P&AB.
Enoch, Going on Double Secret Probation.
didn't he also say," fat , drunk, and stupid, is no way to got through life son" ?
as i'm not phat, only sometimes drunk, that 3rd one is difficult to get around for me.
constantly stupid , is who i chose to be
.
One can always lose wait while just looking for the time, while biding it drunk, but is that timeweighing you down, or are you just afloat
ing underwaterdrowning in the depths for the too stupid, that i'll never understand as they and sometimes Y, are can't do anything about,
accept everything
, without exception
is better njudgement, but i am weak, when it comes to helping
people in need, as i seem to need, people in dire need situations
asz
I just delivered a precious package to New York City, and i had to get there by
mourning for others before their first time
as it was of the uptmost importance for won whom i wish to win, as i don't want to lose
her, as well cause i'm tired of this
again off topic, but thoroughly therapeutic for one who needs some theraputic relief from that damn Lucy, cause GOOD GRIEF
is hard to find for me,
like yesterday and every mourning...
two stupid
Dear Friend Iggie: There, there.
Have some Albuquerque Turkey.
It will brighten your day.
P&AB.
Enoch.
This was a hoot!!
By the way, would Lucas Braze, the world renown Kosher butcher, let me borrow his guillotine for a few days? I'm meeting with my brother later this week, and a lady never arrives at certain venues empty-handed.
Dear Friend SMAAB: Is your brother Fredo?
E.
It's the oddest thing. I can't seem to convince him to go fishing with me. In the middle of an isolated lake. On a really foggy morning. At a time when witnesses would be at a minimum.
Wait, what?
I think he is a Pisces, working for scale.
Well, its harder to tune a piano than tuna fish.
But let's not carp about that.
OK, time to let Trout Giggles handle these jokes.
Turns out, I am a fish out of water here.
E.
ROFLMAO!
I just want to add that a good time was had by all. And as for Jay's Diner, I have never been given the bird in such a joy-full at-moss-sphere.
My contribution to the environment was minor, however, my stomach contractions following the feast were major.
Thanks to Chief Chef Boiling Water Goldstein for hosting such a grand occasion for all to enjoy.
Dear Sister Raven Wing: Trout Giggles and I had a grand glorious time at Jays.
Until the food was served.
Going
D
o
w
n.
P&AB.
Enoch.
As the story goes, there is never a dull time at Jay's Diner, no matter what cuisine is served.
I heard that the turkey served last year had a 'pop-up' in it to tell when it is done, and when the pop-up popped up it flipped the bird right out of the pan.
Luckily this year they chose a live one in order to prevent another flipping the bird event.
Great planning by all.
Dear Sister Raven Wing: The planning was done by the Federal Oceanic Planning Department.
They are the ones who set things up so that there is a shore line next to every ocean.
This policy in Hebrew is known as the B'nai Beach.
P&AB.
Enoch.
Dear Brother Enoch,
Such meticulous planning is sure to prevent being quickly swept out to sea by a herd of turtles.
Good.
Would be a shell of a thing to happen.
E.
Indeed it would be. However, I just might wind up on Turtle Island. But, I may have to forgo any Turt-lay soup.
LOL
Dear Sister Raven Wing: When the turkey flipped right out of the pan it was heard saying the following.
"I'll be bok, bok, bok".
Enoch, Quoting Poultry on a Thursday mourning.
You all had me laughing so hard my eyes watered, and it caused my wife to rush into my office room thinking I was having a heart attack.
I understand that kosher butcher Lucas Braze moonlights as a mohyle, doing extreme brises. Which reminds me, never buy grivelech from a mohyle.
He should throw his hat into the candidate ring. He can prove that he beats Bloomberg at something.
Perhaps the unkindest cut of all.
E.
LOL
Oh, wait a sec. Maybe it isn't so funny - at least not for the infant. My son peed on my father-in-law who was holding him, so it wasn't funny for him either.
There is a rumor in the CIA and FBI that Jay's is a used a spy center. Yes, two noted spies named Matzo and Frybread have been saving America from the corner booth at Jay's.
They are masters of disguise Matza has been known to don his Kosher Weiner or matzo ball disguise and walk right into the Russian embassy without Boris or Natasha knowing that they have been breached. (I'm being polite).
And Frybread went with this Whiteface disguise and did a lot of passing. Boris and Natasha thought that Frybread was a White Russian.
Please keep this under your hat as we don't want to blow their cover. (CIA talk) as we are currently digging up dirt on some politicians.
Why bother digging - it's on the surface and very visible.
There was the time Jay borrowed a snake skin hat with a coil in it as a winter disguise.
When the heating coil burned out, Jay didn't have a hot to hiss in.
It was then he and his waitress Eve were thrown out of the White House garden.
They are now both east of Eden.
E.
My active curiosity is anxious to know what it was that they were passing.
After eating at Jay's anything is possible.
The Drive Thru is locally called, "Mission Impossible".
Sounds like a couple of Drive-Thrus I have dared to test my luck with. The score now is RW 0 - DT 2.
The two for Drive-Thru is;
1 - Flat tire while waiting in line to place my order.
2 - Car died while waiting in line to pick up my order and would not restart.
I no longer use Drive-Thrus.
And I think the people who were stuck behind me while waiting for a tow truck to arrive and rescue me are more than happy.
Dear Sister Raven Wing: Jay's takes care of its own.
1. If you get a flat tire going around the drive thru, they give you a flat cup of soda.
No discount, no carbonation.
2. If you vehicle dies, and will not restart transversing the drive thru they will serve you meat that passed on from natural causes, and could not respond to having its heart re-started by electrical shocks.
3. If you no longer use drive thru's, they serve you Detroit fried potatoes shaped like 60's muscle cars.
Cool to look at, poorly engineered for eating.
At Jays. "Food has more mileage than smileage".
P&AB.
Enoch.
ROFL!!!!! Knowing that is what I will get if such things should happen in Jay's Drive Thru, I hesitate to think what I would get doing a Walk Thru....
LOL
If it is the June Cleaver ranch, will the turkeys be wearing pearls?
Dear Friend Paula: That hoop skirts and bee hive hairdoos.
Enoch, Using Vaseline on my D.A.
Sorry I haven't contributed much but I've been hooked up to an anti-biotic drip at Jay's Urgent Care Clinic. I think it might have been the cranbeery sauce
Dear Friend and Treasured Writing Partner TrouT Giggles:
WB.
This fun discussion romp would not have been possible without you.
It was your idea to do it.
Without your topic, we could not have added so much joy to the holiday.
Plenty of jokes left to tell.
P&AB.
Enoch.
Dear Friend Trout Giggles: More good holiday news.
Starbucks has just come up with a decaf IV drip.
Its called the Innoculatte.
Cheers.
Enoch.
Now that's my kind of IV drip!
Me too.
I could use of of those right now
Cheers