Something off my chest, if that is OK? Ramblings by Randy
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I had taken the very different path that I had chosen to set before me? I had just turned 17 and I knew I was going to do one of two things and only those. I was either going to quit school and join the Air Force or I was going to stay in, graduate and go on to a Jesuit Seminary and become a Priest. I mean that is a big, big difference. It makes me think about where I would be today and what kind of a man I would be know if I had taken the other bright path, because both of them were well lit for me. I could only see the two of them at the time. There were no other options that I was willing to consider.
I knew what my mother wanted (of course) and what Father Spillane wanted (of course since he was a Jesuit) and for awhile I thought I knew what I wanted. Most of my large Catholic family was very much in favor of me entering the Priesthood, especially since out of all of the many of us there was not a single Priest nor Nun in the bunch. So I thought I wanted to do it too. Especially as a Jesuit, because they were always considered to be the intellectuals of the Church. And the most rebellious. That really appealed to me. I know that it was not a passing thing. I thought and still do that I really felt the calling. I was convinced for quite some time that I was meant to be a Priest and I think that, despite all of the wild things I have said on here, I would have been quite a good one. The discipline, I think, would have done me more good then the lack of discipline after training in the Air Force and would have shaped me into a better man, because Seminary lasts so much longer and is so much more intense. Ah, but would it have made me a better Priest? I don't know? I can not know.
I think and I hate to say it, is that I chose the easier path. No, that's not really true either. I could have become a Priest. I had the will and the call. The truth is that I looked up to Priests as special people in my community. Like they walked on water too. When you are raised as a Catholic, Priests hold a special place in your life. And before anyone becomes a smart ass no, I was molested, but never by a Priest! So stop the fuck right there! So the hard truth is that, calling or not, I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel like I could meet that high of a standard in the community, in the church and in life. I didn't think I deserved to wear the collar. I am ashamed to say that I was a coward when confronted with it. I didn't think I was good enough. I didn't think I was special enough. I thought I was too insignificant of a human being.
Now I am 60 and an atheist. Would I have still reached this point anyway? Would I, as a Priest, questioned my faith as I have so much over the course of my life? Would I have fought the daily struggle that I still fight with what I am, who I am, who I am supposed to be, who I should have been, what I am supposed to be, what I should have been, did I miss a turn to become what I was supposed to be, am I a defect because of a missed chance, should I have become a Priest, is the path I followed the right one or did I fuck up my one life that I have. Would I have ended up here anyway? I think I still would have ended up as an atheist, because that is intellectual and not spiritual but I think it would have been a lot more shattering if I had been a Priest.
Almost every night I end up in twisted sheets and blankets because of nightmares of these kinds of thoughts and I almost every morning wake up terrified, clutching my blankets in my fists. What could have been? What should have been? Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? Why do I hate myself so much and why do I think I screwed up somewhere along the line and that now at my age it's just too late to go back and fix it?
The meds help, but they only just take the edge off. They are not a cure and there is not one for mental illness. I wish there were as I would not wish this on anyone (even Dean 
). Talk therapy helps too. John is a nice guy and it is nice to have someone to unload all of my problems on that I can't tell my wife about. I don't have any real friends, so he fits in as one.
For all of the people who do not think that this is something real and there does seem to be a few on this site. All I can say is that there is nothing I can say to convince you that it is. I can say that, if tomorrow I heard about a surgery that could possibly cure what I have, but there was less then a 10% chance of me surviving the operation, I would sign up instantly, because a 90% chance of dying, is a whole hell of lot better then a 10% chance of finally being able to be normal once more like I used to be. Most of the time in my daily life I constantly fight off the thought that I think death is better then living like this. That is my day. Every day.
I am sorry if I rambled and most of what I posted won't make much sense to most people. But I just needed to get it out. Thank you.
Randy Snyder
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It doesn't make much sense, so if you don't want to read it, don't and if you don't want to comment, I understand completely. I just needed to get it out right now as a form of therapy for me. Something inside made me do it.
Dear Friend Randy: In this life we must all find our way to travel the journey before us.
That entails trying a number of different and various paths.
No one speaks for everybody.
Each must make their own life map to follow.
The trick is to live your life most fully, abundantly, productively, humanely and ethically.
That means different things to various people.
It is fine to ask what would have been if other roads were pursued.
It is also good to do the best with what we have, and use time remaining as best we can.
That is more than it seems.
It is also well worth the effort.
Interesting and provocative original article dear friend.
Peace and Abundant Blessings, Always.
Enoch.
I am going to bed now, so I am going to lock this article until I get up so some jerk doesn't think I don't know how to handle my articles. Thanks and good night.
I knew I was going to do one of two things and only those. I was either going to quit school and join the Ar Force or I was going to stay in, graduate and go on to a Jesuit Seminary and become a Priest.
I think that's where your problems started. At that age, the world is supposed to be your oyster, not your fork.
I was forced to go to church every Sunday as a youth, but it sure didn't make me respect any of the church leaders. Quite the opposite, really. These were the people who ruined my Sundays, and the congregation was just a bunch of people with what I call WPP (white people problems). The concerns discussed at coffee hour weren't related to the truly needy, they were about whether so-and-so's kid was going to get accepted to a particular college, or finding a baby sitter that can be trusted, or whether someone should trade their Cadillac in for a newer model.
I was born an atheist like every other human being on earth, and never deviated. I still remember the moment that solidified it. At a young age in Sunday school, my dog had recently died and I was sad about it. I already thought religion was bullshit, but I asked the teacher in a group discussion if she thought I would be reunited with my dog in heaven. She said no, dogs don't go to heaven, just people. My dog had never failed me, and the people in that church were the last thing I would want to be surrounded by for eternity. If that was heaven, then heaven is a cruel joke.
And the pictures of Noah's Ark on all the children's bible books in that classroom were always disturbing to me. How are people and animals smiling, while peering over the edge of a boat into a world of death and destruction? Who could do such a horrible thing? We were being told that God could, and did ... oh, and he loves you unconditionally.
By the time my parents stopped forcing me to go to church, I was in a Jesuit high school. I got a whole new version of religious stupidity thrust on me, and was likely the only atheist in the school. When I had kids, I allowed for them to go to a Catholic K-8 school, to keep my parents and in-laws happy. I wouldn't pay for it, but if they wanted it that bad they could pay for it, and they did. Since the kids were obviously not going to learn about religion from me, or go to church on Sundays, I thought it was a good way for them to be exposed to the things that turn people away from religion. Educationally, it was a waste of money, but a learning opportunity about the hypocrisy of religious folks.
Thanks for your words Hal. It is true that at at age I should have been worrying about if I was going to have a girlfriend for Junior prom the next year, but family problems and some I caused myself, where and who I was living with and different things made it impossible for me to continue on with my life as it was. I had to make a decision. If I had decided to stay in school I was going to move back to Hopkins and finish my last two years in a small town high school instead of Battle Creek, a place I hated.
After years of thought about it I have been comfortable with being an atheist for a long time now. Still one looks back on ones life and wonders about how you would have turned out if you had taken the other path that was in front of you? The other fork in the road.
Or maybe I'm just getting old. lol.
Hal,
I don't think that people are born atheists, since that is a specific belief that there is no god. I think that kids are born without a religion and then their families pass on theirs.
Actually I met a Buddhist monk once, who told me that we end up the way we are supposed to end up. So I guess you and Randy were supposed to be this way...
Me, I am rather like this song:
I don't think that people are born atheists, since that is a specific belief that there is no god.
I think that what Hal meant when he said that is that all people are born with no concept of a god. Besides being an atheist does not mean not believing in a god. That is agnostic. Being a true atheist (and Hal and I have argued about this several times) is not a belief system of any kind, even not believing. It is being 100% certain that the very of idea of a god is a myth. That a god of any kind does not exist. It is not a belief that there is no god. For an atheist the question does not even arise to the point of believing in or not believing in.
It is being 100% certain that the very of idea of a god is a myth.
What nonsense. You can no more "know" that there is no God than XX Jefferson can "know" that there is. You have faith that there is no God. So you are a man of faith.
And don't tell me about "burden of proof" Randy. Once you affirmatively declare that there is no God, the burden of proof is on you.
Hal meant when he said that is that all people are born with no concept of a god. Besides being an atheist does not mean not believing in a god. That is agnostic.
Nope.
An Agnostic neither believe nor disbelieves in a god. Rather, they aren't sure-- so they are open to either possibility.
You are right of course. I was trying to illustrate that being a "hard" atheist (which is the phrase I should have used) is not, not believing in a god and worded that a bit clumsily because being a hard atheist does not involve any kind of a belief system at all. If being an atheist was the same as saying "I don't believe that there is a god" then that would be an agnostic (to hard atheists) or at least a version of one. Though some would call it being a "soft" atheist.
Well, this has been argued here before-- but Atheists do have a belief system! A belief system as to the neature of reality. And Athesits believe there is no God. (There's no doubt in their mind).
An Agnostic. OTOH, doesn't know-- they haven't decided if god exists or not.
Sorry, but I disagree. Hard atheists (there are different kinds) do not have a belief system. We do not believe that there is no god. We have the opposite of a belief system. For us and myself, the question of the existence of such a creature is so silly that it does not even rise to the level of deciding if we believe there is or is not one. It's simply not worthy consideration. For a hard atheist there is zero belief in the entire concept. It's not worth deciding on if we believe in a god or not. It's simply too ridiculous.
Educationally, it was a waste of money, but a learning opportunity about the hypocrisy of religious folks.
Well, at least we can all be grateful for one thing-- the non-hypocritical nature of non-religious folks!
I was raised catholic, forced to go to mass six days a week. I quit the church as soon as I had my drivers license.
Locking up for the night to keep the many, many, many trolls on here out. Especially the ones that are disguised as long term members...or new comers.
I thank you so much for sharing your story! I send understanding and peace.
And I send thank you back for them. Peace.
unlocked
I am wide wake, have at least 5 articles going and ready to discuss. Anyone else out there or do I have to lock them back up and try tomorrow?
Breaker 1-9, Breaker 1-9. This is the one Snidley Whiplash looking for a contact. Anyone out there? 10-4?
Dear Randy,
I an sympathize with much of what you said. But, there is no useless life. That you did not become a Priest is truly not to your discredit. I can't help but believe that you are a very decent and loving person, and that many people throughout your life had benefitted greatly because of that. If you had become a Priest, perhaps many of these same people would not have had the chance to know you, nor perhaps they would not have attained the goals they set themselves.
We all have a calling that may be other than what we think we want. Life itself is unpredictable at any given moment. I lost both of my two children, one to a rare form of cancer from which he suffered greatly, and the other to MS. I was suicidal for some time afterward, and felt my life had no meaning anymore. But, my Spirit would not let me die as I so desperately wanted.
I still had my one Granddaughter, who was still a young teen at the time, and she had lost her Mother. She needed me more than ever in her life as she had started to delve into drugs to ease her pain. I could not let her travel that road and destroy her life. So I had to set aside my pain and negative thoughts and give her the love and guidance she needed. In the process, I found that, due to my own suffering, I was better able to understand that of others and find a peace of mind I had not known before. No more nightmares, no more questioning of my worth as a human being, no more wish for death. My Spirit had won.
I am human, thus far from perfect. But, I am trying every day to try and find happiness instead of wasting what little time I have left on earth questioning my self worth.
I hope that you will find peace in your life and can leave your demons behind where they belong. We can not change what was, but, it does not have to become our present.
Much love, Randy.
Dear Friend Raven Wing: There is a mountain of wisdom, compassion and humanity in your post.
Thanks.
You bring out the best in us all.
Peace and Abundant Blessings, Always.
Enoch.
My dear Randy-- I envy you the introspection you have introduced into the site and in sharing this article with us. I think all of us doubt ourselves, at one time or another, and all of us wonder what we could have done differently, or what we should have done differently.
I think that you chose a certain path, based on your inner feelings, and that you shouldn't feel guilty about them. I know you don't believe in God, but I see it that you have followed God's plan for you. I know that doesn't make you feel better, and I'm sorry, but that's how I see it.
Much love to you and may your heart be filled with peace!