How to Respond to a Racist Comment
People will say all kinds of offensive things if they think you share their views. Take, for example, this terrific essay by Katherine Fugate, in which a locksmith assumes she wants sturdy locks to keep out all the potential black intruders (though he uses an uglier word). Or Trump’s blithe assumption that everyone agrees that Haiti and various African nations are “shithole” countries.
Or take the “racist uncle” trope: the relative who spouts off about those people at Thanksgiving dinner, assuming that everyone agrees—or hoping to pick a fight with someone who doesn’t.
This is where you come in. What is a decent person supposed to do when someone says something racist, or offensive in other ways (anti-LGBT, for example) in your presence? You have a few options.
Photo: Frederick Dennstedt
Decide Whether to Speak Up at All
The circumstances and your role matter. If the comment comes at work, you will have to judge whether you feel safe saying something in the moment or not. As Amy Gallo writes for the Harvard Business Review, only you can assess whether you think there will be retribution for replying to someone’s racist comment.
If you’re management, however, you have an obligation (and possibly a legal obligation) to shut down any derogatory comments made on your watch. Gallo interviews Joan Williams of the Center for WorkLife Law at UC Hastings College of the Law, who notes that generally people who are not in the disparaged group have more power to change attitudes—if someone says something about black people and you’re white, you might have more standing in their eyes. Williams says: “When it comes to sexism, for example, men tend to be more persuasive when confronting people. We afford them more credibility because it’s not their ‘game.’”
Ask Questions and Engage the Person in Conversation
I am a big chicken and hate conflict, but I’ve noticed that people who are skilled at this kind of confrontation aren’t really confronting at all—they’re continuing the conversation the other person has started. “What do you mean by that?” I’ve heard a friend say, when an acquaintance was going on about not wanting her kids in school with some people she considered undesirable. Maybe the person will elaborate and maybe they won’t, but at least they’ll be more careful about who they spew their racist ideas to. A relative of mine, a civil-rights attorney and a model of diplomacy, says, “I’m looking forward to talking more about that,” when she hears someone espouse conspiracy theories.
Don’t Expect to Win
I spoke to a State Department official, a diplomat stationed in one of the countries Trump would likely deem a shithole. He offers some suggestions: “What I’ve seen work is two things, and they have to go hand in hand: a self-abnegation of ego and anger, and a willingness to explain without the guarantee of success.” In other words, you have to be okay with not winning the debate with your superior intellect and clever debate strategies.
The diplomat continues, “Basically the question is, ‘do you want to make a statement or make a difference?’ That sounds simple, but I’ve found it to be surprisingly profound for me and both my work and personal life.”
Tell Stories
A few years ago I interviewed a Jesuit priest who worked as a missionary in Kenya during his training. He told me that minds are rarely changed by facts, or “facts,” but they are by stories. Stories are by their nature non-confrontational and allow people to communicate without aggression. If your relative goes on about the kneeling NFL players being “ungrateful,” it might be helpful to talk about exactly what the players are protesting and share stories about police brutality.
It’s likely they won’t believe or accept what you’re saying, or offer their own explanations on, say, why black people are more likely to be killed by cops than white people. But if you keep the conversation polite and sincerely inquisitive, you keep the door open for further conversation and possible down-the-road conversions.
Share Your Own Experiences
Gallo, in the Harvard Business Review story, describes a confrontation between two men in the workplace, one of whom had called the other, Ben, a fag. Ben spoke privately to his colleague later, and let me know that he was gay and found those comments hurtful. The colleague was duly chastened and, as far as Ben knows, has refrained from making those comments ever since.
Now your race is not something that you can generally hide, but letting someone know that they have personally offended you might encourage them to at least keep a lid on further comments and ideally open their mind to the experiences of other people. This is adjacent to “tell stories”—people are often so entrenched in their own narratives that they need to hear others’ experiences to change their minds.
This also has the added benefit of avoiding shame. Not that racists don’t deserve to be shamed, but as Annie Gabillet writes in PopSugar, shaming just makes people double down because shame threatens their sense of self. Skilled teachers and diplomats allow people to arrive at their own conclusions through personal experience.
Obviously, confronting racism is a long haul—and the task also includes confronting our own prejudices and biases. All of us have said things we regret; all of us have made assumptions and judgements based on what we think we know about race. This is a slow process, and one best approached via compassion and patience. As the Jesuit priest told me, “you aren’t going to change anyone’s mind today.”
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I almost seeded this to "Meta", because it speaks so well to the mess that is "conversation about race" on NT nowadays.
Racist thinking and racist language have been empowered in the Age of Trump, when truth and facts are ignored. It's... disturbing...
Bob - if you seriously think that "racist thinking" came about just because of Trump - wow - didn't know that the radioactivity from the bomb tests here in NM really affected AZ that much.
Racist thinking has been around well before I was born - and that's even before Trump was born.
"Racist thinking and racist language have been empowered in the Age of Trump, when truth and facts are ignored. It's... disturbing..."
Wanna explain your comment a little better????? Johnson had an issue with Blacks going to school in Arkansas. Teddy Roosevelt had an issue with Native Americans not "assimilating" quickly enough. After the Civil War, the vast majority of the U. S. wanted to eliminate the Native Americans so they could get their lands.
Thanks.
-wow- is right yea, it's been around since different races have been, but Trump has brought it mainstream, sorta like a stream of Piss
you know, Trump's pet Peeve
really? cause I bet MLK would disagree with you.
1%, 2%, or fat free of the time ?
I didn't say that, and I don't think that.
Please re-read the sentence that you yourself quoted.
Actually - no - Obama brought out the race ticket - quite frequently - in fact, much more frequently than Trump is "supposed" to have.
hardly say the 1964 bill was fat free to anyone. but your condescending attitude is to be expected.
even in my first trimester ?
The King of the Birthers didn't invent racism but it's the main reason conservatives voted for him.
Ahh - Clinton's group started the birther thing - not Trump.
"Meanwhile, former McClatchy Washington Bureau Chief James Asher tweeted Friday that Blumenthal had “told me in person” that Obama was born in Kenya.
“During the 2008 Democratic primary, Sid Blumenthal visited the Washington Bureau of McClatchy Co.,” Asher said in an email Friday to McClatchy, noting that he was at the time the investigative editor and in charge of Africa coverage.
“During that meeting, Mr. Blumenthal and I met together in my office and he strongly urged me to investigate the exact place of President Obama’s birth, which he suggested was in Kenya."
Wow really? What a stupid comment. So anyone who doesn't vote for a lying hag like Hillary is a racist. I voted for Trump, are you saying I'm a racist?
Will you please stop with that nonsense 1st? You are better than that.
Hillary Clinton did not start birtherism. That is a known FACT. But even if she did , how in the hell is that an excuse for Donald Trump to pick it up 3 years later, and AFTER the state of Hawaii had TWICE officially announced that state officials had examined Obama's long form birth certificate in the state archives?
Birthers are the stupidest fucking people this country has ever produced, and that includes Trump. He became a birther in 2011 because he knew that there were millions of pitiful racists in this country who would respond to it, and he was looking for ways to build a political base for a possible presidential run in 2012.
That's what the fuck happened. And Clinton has nothing to do with it.
It isn't a stupid comment at all. Birthers are a group of morons, and Trump exploited their bigotry and stupidity.
No.I'd have to know more about you before making any such declaration... and certainly not on NT, because it would be a CoC violation, even if you had just shouted something blatantly racist. (This ends my daily rant about the idiocy of the CoC!!)
But it is clear that you voted for a racist. Did you not know he's a racist, or did you not care?
That's not what I said. What I said was that racism was the main reason conservatives voted for him, more than economic anxiety, appeals to authority or any other single factor. That's what several post-election academic analyses have shown.
.
I don't know anything about you other than that you chose to vote for a racist. You didn't even bother to say something like "I voted for Trump despite his racism." So either you support his racist views or you have no problem voting for someone with such vile views.
Can you provide me with examples of 'how' thinking and language have been empowered in the Age of Trump, who is ignoring truth and facts?
White Nationalists have always used their right to assemble .. march on the regular, and their message has certainly not changed.
Could it be that individuals have become more sensitive to language as being a painful thing? Individuals once said sticks and stones will break my bones, but name will never hurt me ... has now become words have meanings that are painful and I am now hurt by your thoughts and words. (is this why racist is now such a commonly used word - once a word that was ugly and individuals cringed to be called (it was a fighting word) is now tossed around like a catch phrase with NO meaning?)
Having a lil mixed race family of my own, I know what it is like to walk into a store, hear lil comments - but I never had any confrontations until the illustrious years of the Obama administration, insults from blacks - college aged blacks nonetheless (a bit racially motivated I would say) since their comments are based on my sons lighter skin!
Racism is a 2 way street, and it is not only embedded in the DNA of White America! It is indeed .... disturbing. I have a few stories to share, but not about white racists.
Why should I do your homework?
Here's an easy method: Just ask people (beginning with yourself), "Are Black people equal to White people?"
I don't know what "IS" or "IS NOT" racist anymore.
Races have derogatory remarks about each other...Which I am told "Aren't" derogatory if used amongst the same race.
So....what IS racist these days ?
That depends on what the definition of "IS" is.
Unless it's coming from a Non-Liberal....then "IS" is finite.
I think that is called being a "Hypocrite", But in Liberal world....it's called "Caring"....selectively.
Funny how "selective" liberals are in their outrageous ..."Need of a pacifier"..... antics.
So... after ten Replies... none are on topic. Deflection and tippy-toeing.
Why are our NewsTalker White Supremacists so bashful? Why so coy?
We know what they think:
- Black people are intrinsically inferior to White people,
- Therefore Black people must be maintained in a situation of inferiority, legally, financially and socially.
NT allows one to say just about anything, except direct insults to specific members, by name... so why all the shilly-shallying?
Do they imagine that their dog-whistle circumlocutions are not understood for what they are?
Are they ashamed of their ideas?
Have they no courage?
I haven't seen you to be one to foster healthy conversation. Your words are comical.
Unless a person starts it's conversation like an AA meeting "Hi my name is Joe White Guy and I am a racist" nothing any one person says will ever sink in to some pea brains.
Do you have a Reply to what I said?
Or are you shilly-shallying..........?
I don't dance to the tune of the racist hustle....that is your song.
Why so bashful? NT is a small community. Everyone knows everyone. Trying to imply that I'm racist is foolishness, because everyone knows I'm not. So what are you doing?
Why don't you say what you think?
Are you ashamed?
I always say what I think, what I don't say is what you think.
yes, everyone knows.
So hang around for a few years.
seriously...this is not race baiting and hustling.....why your in the same league as Ambulance Chaser Al Sharpton....good job!
Keep on dancing!
Why so bashful? Why do you never say what you think? Do you not have any thoughts? Or are you ashamed of your thoughts?
Bob,
Enough. You are taunting. And NT does not allow people to say almost anything. Read the CoC.
Whom am I taunting?
Are you thinking of anyone in particular? Because I was NOT thinking of anyone in particular.
... And I defer to you on the subject of the CoC, since it means, more or less, whatever you want it to mean.
Racism is a tired subject of reality deflection. The wealth is continuing to concentrate. The political power is continuing to consolidate. The only question that should be asked is, "Why is Citizens United so important to so few?"
Is racism real? Of course. It is also a political tool.
Decide Whether to Speak Up at All
The circumstances and your role matter. If the comment comes at work, you will have to judge whether you feel safe saying something in the moment or not. As Amy Gallo writes for the Harvard Business Review, only you can assess whether you think there will be retribution for replying to someone’s racist comment.
If you’re management, however, you have an obligation (and possibly a legal obligation) to shut down any derogatory comments made on your watch. Gallo interviews Joan Williams of the Center for WorkLife Law at UC Hastings College of the Law, who notes that generally people who are not in the disparaged group have more power to change attitudes—if someone says something about black people and you’re white, you might have more standing in their eyes. Williams says: “When it comes to sexism, for example, men tend to be more persuasive when confronting people. We afford them more credibility because it’s not their ‘game.’”
Extremely interesting paragraph.
This strikes a chord with me, because of recent events in our dysfunctional political world. Again, "The circumstances and your role matter." It seems that the circumstances and result bear out a predictable outcome.
Thank you J!
After twenty-five Replies off-topic, it's nice to see that someone actually read more than just the title.
Exactly. That's what I wanted to demonstrate,
How do you deal with racist, cop hating AGs who persecute innocent cops based on skin color?
So... after thirty Replies... only one is on topic. Deflection and tippy-toeing.
Why are our NewsTalker White Supremacists so bashful? Why so coy?
We know what they think:
- Black people are intrinsically inferior to White people,
- Therefore Black people must be maintained in a situation of inferiority, legally, financially and socially.
NT allows one to say just about anything, except direct insults to specific members, by name... so why all the shilly-shallying? Do they imagine that their dog-whistle circumlocutions are not understood for what they are? Are they ashamed of their ideas? Have they no courage?
I believe blacks are superior distance runners.
In other words, they appeared to have a physical advantage that is common to their community, making it probably genetic. The studies found significant differences in body mass index and bone structure between the Western pros and the Kenyan amateurs who had bested them. The studied Kenyans had less mass for their height, longer legs, shorter torsos, and more slender limbs. One of the researchers described the Kenyan physical differences as "bird-like," noting that these traits would make them more efficient runners, especially over long distances.
Well, he might not be wrong in that assumption. I haven't seen anyone offer up an argument demonstrating that they aren't shitholes. Of course, shithole is a term of art and not rigidly defined. But I would think that if we are talking about countries with levels of poverty, disease, and homelessness that are far worse than the global average, a person would be justified in describing them as shitholes.
It's also generally well understood that for most immigrants from those countries, the shithole nature of them is precisely why they wish to leave. Again, a point I have not seen refuted. Of course, there are nicer ways of expressing the same idea.
I try to be a decent person, but I'm not so full of my self that I think it's my role to police other people's opinions - offensive or otherwise. I also don't think so much of myself that I deem myself worthy to criticize others. People who fancy themselves the speech or morality police sometimes need to check themselves before calling out others.
Another consideration is that a single example of speech may be offensive to some but not to others. There have been many examples of people being offended just because someone else spoke the truth. Also, some people are simply more comfortable with some words than other people. There have also been people who were offended by speech that doesn't actually mean what they thought it meant.
Finally, there are people who offend without meaning to. The rest of us should not assume the worst in others. Practice a little grace, a little humility, and a little patience. Is it really the speaker's intent to say something offensive? Are you certain? How do you really know? If you had to argue it in court, how would you prove it? At minimum, you should inquire of the speaker what his motivations are before you self-righteously accuse him of bigotry.
I very rarely hear someone make racist remarks and wouldn't be spending time with them if they did. Do I know racists ? Probably but they don't talk like that around me.
Aren't you the lucky one.
I usually tell this story, which just happens to be a true story.
When my daughter was very young, she and I were in the grocery store, and she of course was riding in the cart. At the checkout line, there was a black man in front of us. This was the first time my daughter had ever seen a non-white. She asked me, very loud, why that man was so black.
I explained that just as there were flowers of many colors, there were people of many colors, and all the colors brought more beauty to the world.
I can't stand to around overt racism for even a second, which led me distancing myself from my father at a very young age. When I do meet it, I usually only ask one question and walk away.
Why do you not see others as human?