Amy Coney Barrett has ascended
Category: SatireVia: hallux • 3 days ago • 6 comments
By: Alexandra Petri
At long last, Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett has shed her fragile person shell and purged herself of the last traces of human fallibility.
Justice Barrett knows that judges must be “hypervigilant” to make certain they aren’t letting their own biases “creep into their decisions.” But she is beyond all that, which is what allowed her to deliver these remarks at . . . a Mitch McConnell event, introduced by Mitch McConnell!
“My goal today is to convince you that this court is not comprised of a bunch of partisan hacks,” she said. Her decisions are guided not by partisanship, she explained, but by a judicial philosophy! And — relief of reliefs — “judicial philosophies aren’t political parties." (Hers is “originalist,” which is defined by interpreting the law in consultation with James Madison’s ghost.) Some people, she lamented, look at the results of the Supreme Court’s decisions and judge them on that basis. She never does. She is beyond that, now. She has a philosophy. “The media, along with hot takes on Twitter, report the results and decisions. . . . That makes the decision seem results-oriented,” the Louisville Courier-Journal reported her saying. “It leaves the reader to judge whether the court was right or wrong, based on whether she liked the results of the decision.” Never! Imagine considering even for a moment the results of your decision! Hardly the action of a pure, transcended mind, a mind totally beyond partisanship, a mind with a philosophy!
It is so important to have a philosophy,because if you still were human and fallible, people would see you were speaking at an event at the Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) Center, introduced by Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) — a man no one has ever accused of being a nonpartisan figure divorced from politics — and say, “Hmm, that seems like a pretty partisan thing to be doing! Boy, remember when Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) refused to allow Merrick Garland a hearing, then rammed Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation through, and the whole ideological balance of the court shifted? I am still steaming mad! Gosh!” or something stronger, assuming they were not constrained by being in a family newspaper.
But that can’t happen now that we know she is anot-partisannon-hack, untouchable by venal considerations! What a relief!
I suppose, though, I might feel a bit wistful at this development if, say, I were at the Federalist Society working hard on a list of judges who I felt were acceptable and might rule a certain way (not a partisan way, of course, just a way that delighted people whowerepartisan, if that distinction makes sense; if it doesn’t, oh no, we have some serious problems with our judiciary!). Similarly, if I were one of the senators who worked hard to confirm her just 30 days after her nomination — less time than it takes many people to knowthey are pregnant! — I would feel a little disappointed. But I would be consoled that, from the outside, her decisions looked very much the same as the decisions of someone who was, in fact, partisan. Of course, they weren’t, but you could still close your eyes and pretend.In most cases, really, you didn’t even need to close your eyes!
The great thing is that when you know that you are beyond any accusations of being a partisan hack, you can do all kinds of things that mere mortals (afraid of such accusations!) would quail to attempt. Things like abruptly demanding that the Biden administration reinstate President Donald Trump’s remain-in-Mexico policy at the border, or using the shadow docket to let a draconian new law effectively prevent abortion in Texas, or even gutting the Voting Rights Act! The wonderful thing about knowing in your mind that you are fully justified and beyond all taint is that you can just go around doing things that would otherwise seem partisan and cruel, but feel no qualms whatsoever. After all, you have your philosophy.
And, fortunately,the Supreme Court’s decisions exist in a vacuum. The only bad news is that, technically, we live inside that vacuum. But these are mere practical considerations. Justice Barrett is beyond all that now.