A Week Of Humour
A Week Of Humour
A couple of days ago I read a comment by an NT member who complained about there not being any humour on this site. That was AFTER I had posted a few days before an article of Air Traffic Control jokes. So here's a whole week of jokes for him and for all, maybe in this case more appreciated by those of us of senior years.
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!”
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo in Bendigo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 4th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.”
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa...
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
SUNDAY
A group of elderly Americans was traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
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Sent to me by email by my brother. I apologize to most of the members here that it isn't an article about American politics, but maybe you can take a break and try to have a laugh.
Really funny!
What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson pouring champagne all over his naked chest? An astro-fizzy-tits.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?
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I proposed to my ex-wife today. She said no, she thinks I’m just after my money
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”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
Good ones, except that I don't get the first one, maybe because I have no idea who Neil deGrasse Tyson is.
An astrophysicist. The new Carl Sagan, so to speak.
Dr. Tyson was a student of Carl Sagan too, who had a significant impact on his life. He honored Carl Sagan in his updated 2014 Cosmos series, Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. I enjoy Dr. Tyson's lectures, which can be found on YouTube. He makes a lot of sense and can appeal to an audience.
Ah, thank you. Now I get it.
But now I’m confused cause I got it, til it was explained, and now I’m frustrated and just want to scream. Usually I only scream at the Good Humor Man , or woman, cause I don’t find good humor Funny how that works
I don’t have the ability to memorize jokes
But
i can make them up as you go along with them, cause I’m not a make up artist? Ok Mary Kay, Nah, I’m making that up, as I AM a makeup artist but my name is Maybelean , Maybe not, maybe aT cup short n stout that can’t find a bra that fits, but B cause what size brazier fits size T cup....besides possibly a punch bowl, that I use as a bowling ball to take out people from the Union Hall on strike in their spare time zone for schools of thought awfully fishy as I write like a fluke and out of two sides of my mouth while floundering South for the Winter I can’t sea, cause my eyes aren’t in both sides of my head, but whoever listens to a phishhead , b sides Chumz...
To know what you blow, one must go with the flow.
Also is a very funny guy himself!
Indeed he is.
Here are a few my friend sent me the other day.
The title of his email: Seasoned Adults
---
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment
'Where's my toast?'
---
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
---
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
---
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Nah, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
'Because she can still drive!'
---
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
---
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
---
One more........
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
All funny, but I have to admit it took me a couple seconds to get the hospital gown one.
This one showed up in my Facebook newsfeed, and had me in tears. I'm sure every gal here can relate.
Fortunately, I have never had to go through that procedure. It has been said, however, that the bra is the most unnecessary item of clothing for Asian women, but they still wear them.
All these rules go out the window when you just took a really hot shower. Then go find your sister and make her help you
Anoon..well you have all made my day...
My lighter-side and dark-side decided to go on a date;
right after consuming drinks; dark-side reached down into his bag
and came up with a sharp knife!
As he turned back to strike, lighter-side let out a loud "GIGGLE!" and
swallowed dark-side whole.
"Check, please!"
???
C'mon Buzz! Just laugh! It's an original!
You know what they say about a joke that has to be explained. . . it's owner becomes a drunk! Don't make me consume large quantifies of dark liquor! I'm hustlin' to make a living here!
A man was in the hospital the night before his colonoscopy, the liquid prep hit him before he could get out of bed and out it all came in the bed. He got the sheet and threw it out the window. It landed on a drunk walking by. He starts yelling, flailing and finally gets it off him, the commotion attracts the hospital security guard who yells "what is going on" the drunk says "I was attacked by a ghost and I kicked the shit out of it"
While at work i overheard two older guys (70’s) talking about elk hunting in colorado. it went something like this.
guy #1, there’s a ranch in the mountains that has more elk than they know what to do with.
guy #2, they should open it up to hunters.
guy #1, they are talking about it.
guy #2, that’d be a good way to cull the herd.
Guy #1, no, ya ain’t gotta call em, they got em in a pen.
that conversation happened about 5 or 6 years ago and still makes me laugh whenever i think about it.
A burglar breaks in a house and shines his flashlight around, a voice says "Jesus and Lucifer are watching you." His light hits a parrot in a cage and he says "Did you say that bird? " The parrot says "Yes, they are watching you. " The burglar says "what is your name bird ?" "Hector", the parrot answers. Burglar says "Hector? What kind of crazy people name a parrot Hector? " and Hector says "the same kind of crazy people that name their Dobermans Jesus and Lucifer"
Hah!!! I like that one.
Told to me by my black neighbor on Halloween 7-8 years ago.
Q: Why was white chocolate invented?
A: So black kids can get dirty too
You could get into trouble telling that one these days of racial sensitivity.
You might get in trouble for voting it up
If you want to take a chance, so will I.
This whole thread is too. . . funny. Loved it.
An 87-year-old woman whose husband had recently died came to the conclusion she she didn't have anything to live for, so she decided to kill herself by shooting herself in the heart, Not exactly sure where the heart was she asked her doctor. The doctor told her it was located slightly to the right of her left breast.
The next day she was taken to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
A stand-up comedian was asking the men in the audience what they called their dicks. After getting a few answers she asked an elderly man well in his 80s what he named his dick, the old man was obviously embarrassed and didn't answer. The comedian say " Neverminded, it doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going cum anyways"
I always thought that Lennon's song Come Together was kind of racy...
An oldie, but still makes me laugh.
3 nuns are driving in a car and are killed in an accident. They come to outside the Pearly Gates with Saint Peter standing in front of them. He address the trio with a booming voice: "I see that you have all done good works and are holy people. However, to enter the Gates of Heaven you must each answer one question." He turns to the first nun. "Who was the first man on earth?" "Adam", the nun answered demurely. The next thing she knows is bells ring, angels sing and the gates swing open and she glides on through.
Saint Peter turns to the second nun. "Who was the first woman on earth?" The nun responds "That would be Eve." The bells ring, angels sing and the gates swing open and she walks on through.
Saint Peter than turns to the last nun. "What did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The nun stood there perplexed and wracked her brain for the answer - they never taught her this at the convent. She looks Saint Peter in the eye and replies, "My that is a hard one." The bells ring, angels sing and the gates swing open and she walks on through.
Thanks for my first laugh of the morning.
Little Billy went for a ride with Uncle Frank, when they got back his mother asked Billy what they saw on the way. Excitedly Billy said we saw 3 morons, 2 road hogs and a son of a bitch
LOL. Figures you'd come up with a car joke.
eddie murphy - delirious (bear & rabbit)
Buzz, does it figure "moi" would come up with a:
1. Black joke.
2. Butt joke.
3. S**t joke.
Eu decide!
I have access to tons of Eddie Murphy videos, but DELERIOUS is more than two hours long so I'll check it out later.
It's riotous as heck. And, yes, Eddie out in trouble for one joke in the video: AIDS (kissing on the lips). Ot-her than that: Bongers!
I've always enjoyed Eddie Murphy movies like Trading Places, Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, but I'm not into gutter humour so I turned it off after about 5 minutes.
Okay! (Smile.) To be honest, I have not watched "Delirious" since I was a 'youth.' It was funny then even if I don't remember it all now!
A child stands in front of his mother naked wearing a pair of sunglasses, holding a bottle in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. His mother is aghast and saying, "No, you cannot be Marine on liberty in Bangkok, Thailand for Holloween!"
HA!
Naked child? Stop, the bus!!! (Scandalous. —Chuckles!)
Military humor for ya...😁
Wonder if it woulda been funny if she said - "No Tommy, you can't go out dressed as Hunter Biden"?
My fault. I should have posted NO POLITICS, but I guess you didn't read my first comment.
I am cracking myself UP! Y'all got to help me get through this one again :
Okay, technically it's a video "joke" —OKAAAAY:
Norbit
Dirty Boy Productions .
People who are very fat is a real turnoff for me. Sorry.
It's Eddie Murphy dating and married to Eddie Murphy (in a fat suit prosthetic). He is multiple characters in his movie productions). It is not "weight" that is the problem in the movie, it's a 'symptom.' If you watch the movie, the plot is "she" is a bully, with a "superiority"-complex about "herself." She does not even see that she is losing Norbitt to a new woman because of her attitude!