Woman Refuses to Contribute in Potlucks After Husband's Family 'Refused to Touch' Anything She Brought
S E E D E D C O N T E N T
- A woman said her once-beloved family recipes went untouched at every potluck with her husband's relatives
- Even store-bought drinks and coffee were ignored, leaving her feeling singled out
- After years of frustration, she decided to stop bringing anything at all
A woman turned to the Reddit community for advice after years of feeling dismissed and ignored at her husband's family potlucks. She explained that what once brought her pride and connection had instead become a source of embarrassment and hurt.
"I have a few 'family secret' recipes that have always been a huge hit at potlucks," she wrote, explaining that people back home "raved about them, and practically begged me to bring them." She said she knew her food was good and had never questioned it before marrying into her husband's family.
After moving away and getting married, she found herself navigating a very different dynamic with her in-laws. "His family is enormous," she wrote, adding that every gathering was potluck-style because of how many relatives attended.
Stock photo of a woman making a cheesecake.
Getty
For her first Thanksgiving with them, she brought her signature upside-down pumpkin pie, expecting at least a few curious bites. Instead, she said, "This massive family refused to touch it," and she ended up bringing the entire pie back home untouched.
She recalled that one year, a family member brought a friend from work who tried the pie and openly praised it. "Despite raving loudly over how tasty the pie was, no one from the family tried it," she wrote, noting that the dessert was once again wasted.
Hoping a change might help, she tried again the following year with the same disappointing result. Each time, she said, the untouched desserts were eventually thrown away because she and her husband could not finish them alone.
Determined not to give up, she decided to bring out another well-loved recipe from her side of the family. "One year I made my family's secret cheesecake recipe," she wrote, adding that even her picky husband loved it.
That attempt hurt even more when she noticed only one slice missing from the cheesecake. "When I went to clean up I found that slice in the trash," she explained, emphasizing that it was untouched and the rest of the cake also went uneaten.
After that, she said she stopped bringing homemade food and tried contributing in other ways. "Soda? No, they went on a soda run to get their own," she wrote, describing how even drinks were rejected.
She also tried bringing coffee, knowing how much her in-laws loved it. "I didn't cheap out," she explained, saying she bought their favorite French vanilla blend and name-brand creamer, but no one touched it.
According to her, the dismissals became routine over the years. She said her mother-in-law even verbalized her dislike for the coffee.
Eventually, she decided to avoid the situation altogether. "At this point, I avoid the topic entirely and give whatever excuse I can to not bring anything," she admitted.
She explained that her husband understood why she was upset, though she reassured Reddit users, "This isn't about him." Now she wanted to know if she was wrong for refusing to contribute to her husband's family's potlucks.
Commenters overwhelmingly sided with her and expressed concern over the pattern she described. "This sounds like they are personally targeting you. With a crowd that big and not one person eats anything you make at any of the potlucks... I don't know what is going on, but it sounds like a form of organized group bullying," one commenter pointed out. "There's no way not one single person eats anything you make in a large group like that unless you're targeted."
Another commenter echoed the sentiment and questioned why she continued attending at all. Some also questioned why her husband hadn't spoken up in her defense.
"This has been going on for years and you and your husband have never asked anyone from his side of the family what's going on?" one commenter asked.
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This has the ring of truth to it. I have seen similar.
she needs to check her underwear drawer when she gets back home, because it sounds like hubby is wearing a pair of hers.
Bring bacon, no one can resist that
Fuck em. Make what you like. Take it home when it goes uneaten and let your own family enjoy it. Their loss.
100% agree...
I agree with you all. . . it does have the ring of truth to it. . . I continue to experience similar. . . with certain individuals in my own family. They are NOTORIOUS for asking (the dreaded question): Who/what/where questions about substances brought into the social gathering.
It seems like a harmless ASK until one pieces together that it has a 'dark-side' . . . it is asked so that (with subtle smiles) those substances are ignored. I even sit back and watch it play out.
In fact, now as a result of it, I flat out tell those members to their faces that I will just give some money to the cause. . . signifying that everybody will take money. . . (or I will leave it on the table/stand and walk away). . .even if they don't want what I bring. It's good food. . . .
It is so sad. . . . That said, I give or don't give and don't give a --it about it as I have done what I can to participate with their affair—financially.
Let me be clear it is so frustrating to want to give something you 'love' to someone. . . who would rather you didn't. . .because you know it is good enough to share. On the other-hand, I know some people can be peculiar in their eating habits. . . because I am peculiar in my eating habits too—for personal/private reasons of health and beauty 'experimentations' I do on me-self. : )
Y'all should know I am fabulous darling in shape and form (for an old 'Kid') - HA!
Family can be a real bitch. Especially around the holidays. The older you get the more you hopefully realize. That care of your own family first and don’t worry about extended family nitpicking or abuse.
It’s a fools errand. Myself, when my family tried stuff like that to me and mine we just stop going over there. No one treats my wife or SO like that. No one, not even family.
Honestly, I went through the proverbial 'emotional rollercoaster' before I decided it is safer for me to go to my 'happy place' and let them be who and whatsoever their personal issues are with me. . .especially since they would try to play the "Who me?" game or just sit and stare off into the distance when asked about the 'problem' of why and what's wrong and going on with them. . .and me.
Ironically, it is because it is family that it 'initially' hurts so much/bad. . . and similarly because it is family the individual or group feels they can 'rightfully' get away with being 'impossible' - for blood is blood at the end of the day.
In my family it is close kin that can be 'sadity' (snobbish/arrogant/superior) and its been going on 'endlessly.' They mean well and still they simply are consistently distant. That said, I must hasten to add. . . I have a 'family' of cousins that are so full of love (touching and sharing) that I am pleasantly surprised by how 'disarmed' I am from it each and every time.
As you have stated ("It is a fool's errand."), I decided to save my own sanity and 'protect' (guard) my emotions. . . as STRESS kills! I do not let anything stress me out for long for that reason!
Personally, I am not in a long-term relationship (a 'loner' in that regard), but I can empathize with you and your wife over inter-relationship problems with family. . . and unreasonable friends too. You and your wife are one. And it is confusing and depressing to have them not accept your other half. I have heard this from several other people in the virtual and real world. "Good job" on your solution to the problem!
Hope you find someone worth fighting for CB. When you do, fight for them, till the end if necessary. People who truly care about you will understand.
I thank you. . . I guess, Sparty On. It is. . . telling (and 'curious') that 'our' national politics (likes and dislikes) in certain quadrants are in opposition to how I am born to love. I exist in a heavily prescribed world of heterosexual 'norms'. . . and groups persisting in attempting to make certain I am stigmatized for loving another man. . . .
"Hope you find someone worth fighting for CB."
Sparty On, as I live and breath . . . sometimes I think I have. . and then its confusing. . .because in the present, I believe I have grown too far apart from the 'desire' to act on finding someone. . . . In reality. . .it is a form of love paralysis in the sense that I (almost) would not know what to do if I fell in love with someone at this point. . . to 'run, hide, and deny' or just go full-board after him for all its worth!
For all that I surely and confidently know about myself. . . sometimes I feel stumped about who I am when it comes to true love of another. It's just easier-comfortable 'Not.' -With all the confusion and promises of hindrances in our society percolating all the time!
All of this is because of a confusion in my religious belief system and yes. . . the politics that for eons tells society to wage political plus warfare on homosexuals. . . to be honest. . . it takes a toil (psyche/emotions/feelings) on the entirety of my and other homosexual lives to have other people fighting us all the time. It shows up in weird 'expressions'. . . .
Of course, I am sure there are parallels in heterosexual live to what I am experiencing. . . those parallels are not easily seen, nevertheless.
Just being open. . . about it.
And Sparty On do not permit SILENCE (ideology) to become the enemy of the good. That is, we appeared to be reaching out (commiseration? understanding?) towards one another such that for an instance of 'sharing together' I felt connection. . .(was it brief?) and now I feel you may be 'orbiting' away from the subject matter broached. . . .
This occurs a lot . . .Silence is 'killing' understanding between. . . 'us.'
My simple response is "FUTCH'M". They aren't your family - your husband is. If you've been putting up with their childishness for all these years - just show them you're the bigger person by being with "YOUR" family - your husband and kids.
I wouldn't bring anything at all. I would load a huge plate with everything, making sure to create shortages of the favorites like deviled eggs, toss what I can't eat in the trash, and go get seconds.
The perfect solution.
That will either work (fix them) or make you the talk of the 'town'!
I like it.
Is her husband not able to find out why she is treated that way? What I can't understand is why she even GOES to his family's events.
She wants to belong; be accepted. Break down 'walls' and 'barriers' to her husband's side of the family. She wants to be 'open' with what she believes is quality (good) - possibly healthy foods. She wants to be 'In' and not left out. Also, there may be some family members there that are "OK" with her elsewise. . . and, yet "NO" on her dishes.
She may want to "belong" but how many times does she have to be humiliated to realize that his family aren't worth wanting to belong to. As well, IMO her husband has no balls unless he straightens his family out or tells them to go to hell. He chose her, so that's who should be more important to him than a family that snubs his wife. My wife's parents were never nice to me, the "loweye" (foreigner), as well, so I didn't give a shit about them and had nothing to do with them either.
Arvo..wow racist not on their behalf..
Wonder what would happen if you referred to them as "slant eye"...
Feel for your wife as she is the meat in the sandwich..
But I would tell them to get stuffed and have nothing to do with them either...
Doesn't matter any more - they're both buried now. However, the rest of my wife's family have been great.
Death has it's advantages at times..😊
It also has some pretty irreversible disadvangages.
It's pretty shitty when your SO lets their family run roughshod over you. I've had that happen. Then I just stopped participating or going to events
... being the black sheep in the family comes natural to me and I've learned to embrace it. it's funny, with all the conservative xtians in my family, I usually end up being the voice of reason and peacemaker ... wtf?
the ex's dad never forgave me for soiling his daughter, despite the 3 grandkids I helped create. I was excluded from some holiday functions, so I just stopped going. when my kids were old enough to figure out what was going on, they pressured their granny and FIL caved. the last family function I was at when he was still alive, he asked me who I was at the dinner table, since he hadn't seen me in 20 years, I told him that I was the father of 3 of his grandkids, ____, ____, and ____. the family dynamic immediately changed in my favor after the awkward silence that followed. it was my 3 kids that insisted his last wishes be followed and they got him his military funeral.
my own father tried to exert dominance over me a few times when I was an adult by trying to tell me who I could and couldn't talk to in our extended family. I reminded him that I was a grown adult and able to make my own decisions and his problems with his own siblings were his and not mine or my cousins.
the second time he was very unhappy that I wouldn't make my 2 adult sons drop everything and help him move across the state at the last minute, so I casually mentioned that the closest VA ER was over an hour away and I wouldn't be the one driving him since he had earlier that day made a big production number out of letting me know I wasn't in his will. like I cared ...
the third time, he tried to extort thousands from me by refusing to hand over the titles to my boat and houseboat when I was in the process of selling them. he wanted half the proceeds of the sale in advance, since we were allegedly partners on the 2 boats, although he had failed to make any payments towards them in the 7 years I owned them. I informed him that I would immediately be leaving my home to make the 5 hour drive to the place where the boats were stored, and if the titles weren't signed and waiting for me there, I would continue my drive to his home and happily make it a permanent non-issue for him. the titles were there and the next time I saw him was when I rescued him from a behavioral hospital in texas and then stuck him in a nursing home because the VA had blackballed him. I was more upset about the interruption of my dinner when the hospice called and told me he had croaked.
I had 2 very good parents who didn't try to tell me what to do once I left home and started paying my own bills
The dysfunction abounds. . . . Across families. . . and the world. I knew it was the case! It seems we are ONE in this world for good and ill that happens to us. . .collectively.
Thank you for sharing something 'painful' about yourself, Devangelical! I felt mildly exposed (I am well 'known' for getting over stuff, nevertheless) after another commenter left me 'twisting in the wind' above. . . .
Sigh! It is what it is!
No one has ever called me the "black sheep" in this family. . . that said, I believe I am at the least one of them. . . simply because of the fact of my. . . circumstances (desires). Circumstances I manage well. . . and that won't go away. . . I am what I am and so far it seems to be with me to my end.
Since that commenter walked away. . .I am left holding the 'argument' about being "Born this way" and lately I have been thinking about how being. . .me. . .is equivalent to arriving into this world wearing brown skin. . . nobody asked me if I wanted it or my opinion about it. . . it just "IS."
... black, gay, progressive ... yup, 3 strikes. in their narrow minds you're pretty much fucked in maga world ...
try to consider the upside, your chances of being lynched for gazing at maga inbreeding stock are still relatively less this century, outside of the old confederacy ...
it's all about perspective ...
to me, reminding family or others of my independence from some of their preconceived notions of normal isn't at all painful ...
Morning...yep family can be the absolute pits especially when you see what goes on in others..
I treat people (Devangy you're fair game🤣) the way I like to be treated...
I tend to have a lot of tolerance but cross the line and that's it.. stuff'em I say and wipe them..
Life is too short and to have obnoxious people around using up your brain cells forget it..
The is a poem called Desiderata and a line I really like..
"Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit"..
So true..😊
Sorry you have had all that crap in your life Devangy and others, but as we can see you have done it your way and survived..well done..🐨
Here! Here!
Black. Homosexual. Liberal. Pragmatist.
Well, I was not born liberal or more pragmatic. . . .
MAGA stock? That is quite an interesting "observation" you honed in on there. Sometimes, I am confronted with the thought: Could I even be interested in a conservative or MAGA (stock) seeing how I feel their culture war politics is extraordinarily duplicitous.
I am. . .was thinking about giving you a big hugs emoji, and NAH! You are our (family) resident Rebel after all!
Devangelical! You're the Best! How 'bout that?!
Devangelical, there is a hidden message for you in the white space above!!
yeppers, might know a bit about this and that, though I tend to tell those who deserve it, bout where it is at, from perspective, cause i be too candid for my own good, wouldn't change, even F i could
it was a blessing in disguise. it didn't kill me, it made me stronger. it taught me to stand up for myself to anyone, and to speak truth to power, with the occasional fuck off dispersed to the deserving. my 3 adult kids often thank me for passing those traits on to them and for keeping them away from churches when they were young.
Evening..sounds like you did a great job and good on you..
I have always looked at it, don't care where you are from or who you are..
Treat people with respect and honestly you can't go to far wrong..
It's the obnoxious, loud and bigoted people that cause most of the problems in this world and that unfortunately will never change..
You can choose to go with them or go against them..
I go with the latter...🦘
I've spent 60+ years of my life publicly humiliating them ...
I read a lot of articles like this one. It often makes me sad that people work so hard to be assholes, just to make themselves feel bigger.
Imagine how great it would be if everyone were helping to lift each other up instead of finding ways to tear them down...
pack mentality of ranking the members ...
Well, not to dumb is down, but homie ain't getting any back door action this holiday season.
unless it's from his maga brother ...