The Social Justice Warrior’s Guide To Independence Day
If you’re planning on celebrating the 4th of July, stop. Just stop. Now. While you may erroneously believe that Independence Day is a time when you should stop and reflect on the birth of the greatest nation in the world, the facts show something different: America is the most oppressive, evil, and dangerous country in the world and it does not deserve to be celebrated.
If you have been fooled by the patriotism that surrounds this holiday, you can be forgiven — although you probably shouldn’t be. Fortunately, you can make amends to the people you have victimized by following the tips outlined in this Social Justice Warrior’s Guide to Independence Day. In this piece, we will expose the evil that is the United States and show you how you should respond as a responsible American.
Following the tips given in this piece will help you approach the world as a “woke” member of society. Failing to heed the advice herein will reveal how much of a racist, sexist, misogynist, Islamophobe, and homophobe you are.
The Rise Of Evil American Nationalism
On the day the Declaration of Independence was signed by our slave-owning founders, nationalism began to pervade American culture. Indeed, the beginnings of our xenophobia can be traced to the very moment the document was ratified and sent to King George III. Think about it. We wanted to kick the British — who we saw as foreigners — out of the country and establish our own white American identity.
You’re probably thinking, “but the British were white too!” Well, if that’s what you are concerned about, it just shows how xenophobic you are. It is clear that our revolution against the crown was the beginning of a raging aversion to those who are not like us. Instead of being grateful for our independence, we must take time to think about how our revolt contributed to the problematic fear of immigrants that has remained to this day.
Celebrating Independence Day Is Celebrating Slavery
If you think Independence Day is worthy of celebration, then you clearly support the peculiar institution of slavery. After all, while the colonies won their independence from the British, slavery persisted until the 1800s.
Yes, we did fight a bloody civil war to abolish slavery once and for all, but who cares? Instead of focusing on the struggle to rectify this evil practice, it’s more important to fixate on the fact that thousands of soldiers in the Confederacy were fighting forslavery, so this means that the sacrifice of the abolitionists and soldiers in the Union is canceled out and utterly meaningless.
You might be thinking “America has horrible atrocities in its history, but we have worked to right those wrongs.” Furthermore, you might even argue that other countries have even worse blights in their past. However, this type of thinking is racist and shows your privilege, which must be checked immediately.
Ignore the fact that Middle Eastern and African nations still practice slavery. Pay no mind to the fact that modern slavery is also practiced in the United States, due in large part to human traffickers smuggling unwitting illegal immigrants into the country to become sex slaves and forced laborers. A truly woke individual understands that open borders are far more essential to social justice than victims of human trafficking.
Independence Day Is Only For Privileged Whites
Black people can’t celebrate the 4th of July. Neither can Hispanics, Asians, or any other minority. Why? Because racism exists in America. As a matter of fact, the United States is the most racist country on Earth because we have police brutality. That’s right. The actions of the few police officers who overstep the bounds of their authority have damaged the entire nation beyond repair.
It doesn’t matter that blacks are more likely to be killed by other blacks. It doesn’t matter that blacks make up 13% of the population but represent more than half of the nation’s homicide victims. Remember the social justice motto on black oppression: “Black Lives Matter, unless they are taken by other blacks. Those victims don’t get headlines, so we can’t use them to further our agenda.” If you want to be a true ally to blacks, never, ever, mention black-on-black violence.
The American Flag Is Racist
If you’re even thinking about flying an American flag, you should know the truth about “Old Glory.” It is a symbol of racial bigotry. Yes, we usually reserve our criticism for the Confederate flag, but all flags celebrating any aspect of America are problematic.
Just look at the colors and symbols:
- Red: The color of the blood spilled by white people.
- White: Self-explanatory, right?
- Blue: Because, um, white people make everyone else feel blue.
- Stars: Stars are white too, aren’t they?
- Stripes: To match the outfits minority inmates wear when whites like to lock them up. What? Prisoners don’t wear stripes anymore? Well, the point still stands. Stop being a racist.
Don’t fret. The fact that the American flag is an emblem of white supremacy doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its uses. Do you have a lighter handy? Great. Light that bad boy up on the 4th of July. Make sure you film it and post it on your social media so that your friends and family can see how woke you are.
President Trump Likes Independence Day
As you already know, being a faithful social justice warrior means opposing anything President Donald Trump likes. He likes the 4th of July, so we should hate it. Already, millions of woke Americans have refused to eat steak and meatloaf after learning that Trump loves these dishes. We thought about staging a boycott of McDonald’s, but their Chicken McNuggets are far too tasty to mount a successful effort.
Nevertheless, other efforts to oppose anything Trump likes have been relatively easy. Our boycott of red ties went off without a hitch because none of us ever needed to dress in a suit and tie. Trump’s teetotaling tendencies have been a great boon for the cause since we can now drink alcohol every day, all day if we wish.
Indeed, our embrace of alcohol has sparked many important actions on our part: Kathy Griffin’s bloody Trump head, Samantha Bee’s vulgar rantagainst Ivanka Trump, and the brilliant idea to convince the American public that Trump is a Russian spy were all ideas spawned by alcoholic binge fests. The president’s sobriety has become our biggest strength! If you want to take a stand against the white Nazi oppressors, alcohol must fuel your hate.
Independence Day Is Evil
It’s not easy being a woke person in America. We are the ones who understand what this country really is: an oppressive bastion of slavery and hate. We must stand against all who oppose us. Social justice-minded Americans must keep using the rights protected by that abhorrent piece of paper known as the Constitution to strip our political opponents of their rights.
Resisting the white supremacist power structure means destroying everything that made this country appear to be great. Remember, we can’t Make America Great Again because America was never great in the first place. On the 4th of July, do your part to bring about the utopia we have envisioned and make Marx proud!