A disclaimer: This libelous piece of dribble is the sole responsibility of the half-wits at EAT THE PRESS – Do Not Read It!

All complaints should be folded, stapled and shoved up your crevice, where the sun doesn’t shine.

If, on the other hand, you are upset by words, but, not deeds, then, please, by all speedy means, skip this piece of "Literary Trash" and go directly to your favorite "Right Awful, Right Wing, Incomprehensible Re-Puritan's blog for dribble more to your licking. 

And, now, Ladies and Gentlemen,  the full "Fake "facts, as we distort them, from the recent Mayoral ERECTION  from MILDEW, OHIO, where there are no jobs, not even blow jobs, ever since Re-Puritans sent them all our jobs overseas to COMMUNIST CHINA!

The nationally contested “ERECTION RESULTS” were sealed in a Mason Jar, tucked safely away in a Cereal Box, hidden at our local hardware store. It is own by Jedidiah Foghorn, the town clerk and town drunk, who stated in one of his rare sober moment that, "It's official, Mildew’s much despised, but, long time mayor, the only fully outted "Butch Dike", Hildebrandt (Brass Knuckles) Gilder-Mess has been officially defeated by a relatively unknown, "Unknown"!

"Eat The Press - Do Not Wipe Your Bun With It", the World First All Fake News assigned its much clubbed, Club Reporter Ima Liar, a certified prevaricator, to cover the election process. Linda reported all the "going ons" in daily gossip column, Linda Does Dallas & Mildew.

When not "hawking" her famous "Knee Pads", on our street corner, Linda generously donates her community service time to cover stories for our "much maligned" publication, Eat The Press - Don't Braid Your Hair With It!

Miss ("I am Available on Thursday Nights") Lovelace relentless followed the mayoral race like a mad dog chasing a biscuit. In Linda's final post, before she had to return to her incarceration to serve out the rest of her sentence for lying, she posted that, "We, as a community of misfits, misanthropes and misinformed Trump Support, must accept that the Honorable Lesbo, Hildebrand Gilder-Mess, has lost her bid for re-election. Her lost has been widely contested and has resulted in at least two fist fight, was, Linda noted, as a result of her "constantly beating the snot" out of her opponent, aka, the known and unknowable Yeti. People don't like that, here, in Mildew, where we are all "underdogs and, then, some".

“Apparently”,  Lovelace penned in her "Love Advice for Half Wits" column, “the mayor lost was attributed to the one, single incident where she got mixed up during the campaign, kissed a ham sandwich, then, ate Herb Bender's baby by mistake”, instead of vise-versa! Spitting the bones out on the sidewalk was, also not well received.

Any who, local, very local authorities, Sheriff Duffels Overbearing and Walker Noxious, our town judge, without a court room, "expressed caution".

Sheriff Overbearing asked the community to "not expel gas when venting their frustration and accepts the facts as they lay, or, words not remotely similar to these!

 "Instead", Overbearing said, "look on the bright side! At least we didn’t have Governor Christies, (R) N.J., running for the Mayor's office. That fat whale would have devoured the entire population of babies in our communities and probably several young children due to the governor's ravenous appetite. What a fat fu*k, he is", she wrote, or, words not remotely similar to this.

It is ballyhooed by local pundits that the "baby eating incident", in, and, of itself, would not have cost the mayor the election. Her fatal mistake was leaving her "barn door" wide open allowing her arch rival, "Big Foot", the latest entrant, to burst forth from the barn, where he was hiding, and leap into the first place slot of the Bi-Annual. Bi-Partisan, Bi-Sexual  Mildew Mayoral Gauntlet Race. It's an event that attract "gay folks" from all over the world who mud wrestle Evangelicals from all over the South for control of the agenda for the next two year.

It seems, according to our much maligned, morally corrupt reporter, Linda Lovelace, that, "Yeti, as he is affectionately called by the local yoke", was being  pursued by, a screaming, torch burning band of Deporables from Charlottesville, South Carolina, still on the move.

These unrefined folks are the off-offspring of descendants from the town just over the " jiggling mountains", known as Lost Cleavage, which is just a hop, skip and jiggle from Mildew, Oh-Ho-Ho!

They, too, were holding their annual “Big Foot Hunt”, at, that precise moment and flushed the suspected “Yeti” out of the woods forcing him to dash a crossed the two rounds, delicious looking, firm mounds that gives that burg its delightful name.

In desperation, Big Foot ran “right smack dab” into the election process currently underway in Mildew, and, like a lot of bandits, he took up immediately with the real thieves, politicians, blending in nearly unnoticed with the Conservative Republican Christians marching about in their White Robes.

It was the perfect disguise for a hairy Yeti, that no one believes in, anyway.

Mildew, if you folks are not aware, is unique in the manner that it employs to elect its public officials.
Because it is such an impoverished community, most folks can’t afford to buy groceries – they have to rent them. So, in order to save the community the cost of an election, the Floundering Fathers , Adams-Jefferson, and Harley Davidson, our first openly gay couple, decided to do what the native do.

They turned the election into a "GAUNTLET RUN" to insure that the toughest man, woman, or thing wins.

Currently, all politicians seeking public office, here, in Mildew, are required by law to run a “gauntlet” while the entire town of misfits, (men, women and children), line up for the thrill of “beating their candidates with a stick” as they bolt to the “finish line”. The last one standing is the winner.

This unique election process serves two purposes; it ensures that the strongest candidate will win the erection and, simultaneously, provides locals with an opportunity to “vent their spleen”, instead of blowing a gasket in their pint size pinheads.

Local anthologists argue that "it is further proof that Neanderthals did not go extinct. They just migrated to SW Ohio and blended in with the Republicans Cro-Magnon, left over from God's Excretions.

Perhaps, some uninformed readers may not be familiar with the town of Mildew, Ohio. We are a “gated community”. No one knows who built the gate, but, it serves to keep the citizens in at night, which everyone in the surrounding communities agrees is a good thing. If one has the luxury to own a car we are the second exit after the one that say, "Twilight Zone".

Don't be put off my the machine gun turrets, the minefield or the barbed wire. It's there for our protection, as well as urine.

Our Tourist Guide brochure explains our uniqueness, "We are located just a sharp right turn from Commonsense, in a lovely, but, nearly all torn down, downtown . . . just one small step from mankind – one gigantic leap from reality”.

Come all down and visit us some time. The president does, when not golfing.

"Mildew, Ohio, where PUSSY GRABBING is a form of greeting, not, sexual harassment! So come on down and grab some pussy, you all"!